Busy Seasons

Wow. It has been almost two months since I've been here. Life is busy even when you're not busy with the season. I want to write. I just can't take the time. Little hands and little hearts need me more than this space of mine. So, where is my mind?

On the little boy with the black eye and the pink hat...who is now potty trained!

And the little girl who can't get enough of her new doll and makes me smile as I see her reach out her hand to help her Momma every day.

On my dear husband who worked very hard on Saturday to help my effort to tidy and purge our house of unneeded and an unloved stuff. I love my new shelves!

Do these pics really need a caption?

And on flowers picked especially for me on a warm day in December.


My mind has been on how I wish everyone could keep this image in their mind.

My mind has been on sin and "if God hasn’t specifically called something a sin, I shouldn’t." How I can't help but wander if I've crossed this line...

My mind has been on how awesome God is that He brings His flock together to send up prayers from all over for the same family who most of us have never even met.

My mind is a bit all over...even with you at times.

Until next time...whenever that may be.

Vacation 2011

I have finally moved my pictures from our trip to Myrtle Beach over to the computer. Now the question is...how do I choose out of 400 photos which ones to share? And then...after that...what do I do with these 400 photos? What do you do with all your pictures?

Here are a few of my favorites! Enjoy.

Beauty

Looking for Mommy

Not so sure about this.

Curious

She likes the beach!

The cousins have arrived!

Love this picture!

Nana doing what she does best!

Nana and Anna

Sweet Hanna

... And Halli (I'm relying on my four year old to tell me which one is which.)

How I spent my mornings.

My sweet blessings

Please tell me how to get 5 kids 6 and under to all smile at the same time?

Silly J.J.

Our view every morning...

Still doubting...

Lately, I find myself feeling as if those chains are still tied around my feet binding me to laws and illuminating my sin. Where is my freedom? It seems that if I could find this freedom then I could find that joy that I was looking for awhile back as well. My mind races with overwhelming thoughts of my insufficiencies and I return to bondage and do not cling to the grace that has been offered.

I quickly forget that the lives of my children are in His hands and that He has a purpose for them. He has an eternal purpose that will take place despite my best efforts and daily mess-ups. Each night I lay down assuring myself tomorrow will be different…tomorrow I will take on the day differently. I will not put so much confidence in my own labors but I will have contentment in the working out of His will in our lives.

How do I live the gospel message before them when I wake up each day putting trust in myself? I’m like the disciples that walked with Jesus, “O ye of little faith.” Incredulous. Skeptical. Unbelieving. Unconvinced. Am I truly unconvinced of the grace that is offered to me? The grace that covers such a thing as my forgiveness all the way down to the grace that says He will provide me with protection from the storms?

“The good Shepherd has tender care for children that are towardly and hopeful, for young converts, that are setting out in the way to heaven, for weak believers, and those that are of a sorrowful spirit. These are the lambs of his flock, that shall be sure to want nothing that their case requires. He will gather them in the arms of his power; his strength shall be made perfect in their weakness, 2 Co 12:9. He will gather them in when they wander, gather them up when they fall, gather them together when they are dispersed, and gather them home to himself at last; and all this with his own arm, out of which none shall be able to pluck them, John 10:28. He will carry them in the bosom of his love and cherish them there. When they tire or are weary, are sick and faint, when they meet with foul ways, he will carry them on, and take care they are not left behind. He will gently lead them. By his word he requires no more service, and by his providence he inflicts no more trouble, than he will fit them for; for he considers their frame.” Matthew Henry on Isaiah 40:11

Do I dare say that often I don’t feel Him gently leading me? I don’t feel the comfort of His bosom and I don’t feel cherished…

I still long for His presence…each day I come to Him in prayer pleading for His presence to be in this home. Each day I know that just because I don’t feel Him doesn’t mean He is not here. So here I go, unconvinced, sometimes skeptical, yet still praying in the name of the only One who can bring me into the presence of God. Praying for my faith to increase and repenting for when it lacks.

Our friend, Joe

As another day moves on in our lives, a very dear friend has moved on into his eternal resting place.

My heart aches as I come to terms with the death of this dear friend. I'm not often personally reminded of the brevity of life. As my heart aches, my heart also rejoices at the fond memories of his smile. The smile he would hand out when speaking of his late wife. And the smile he handed out at the arrival of each of our sweet babies. We looked forward to summer time when we would be drawn over to his porch in the late evenings for a chat, a cookie, and an occassional water gun fight with the little ones. His name and that of his dog, "Eli", were a two of the chosen first words out of our babies' mouths.



Lily serves Joe some "tea"



As I'm at a loss for the right words for his sweet family...I remember Trisha recently let me know that sometimes silence is the best thing because grieving hearts may not be comforted by the "buts" and the "words" I may have to share.

We will so very much miss our dear friend, Joe.

I need 32,000 soldiers...(repost)

I decided to share a few old posts...to keep you coming while I'm "gone." Originally posted on June 14, 2010.

Have you ever wondered why you just can’t get it all together? I mean, why are there always more things to check off the to-do list? The house is never clean enough. The lawn always needs mowed. There is that other load of laundry that needs to be washed and for that matter, all the laundry needs to be put away. Nate’s clothes need to be pressed on Fridays. I need to run, too. And more importantly, am I in the Word enough? Have I prayed with the children today? Am I being consistent with the discipleship they need? Oh wait, I was reminded today that my child’s behavior might be a reflection of my behavior. Am I respecting and submitting to my husband the way I should to be an example for them?

I have this vision of the “Perfect Mom.” You know, the one whose home is immaculate with a side of fresh chicken salad and fresh baked bread for company that might pop in. The one who just baked extra food for Sister So-and-So because she is having a rough time with this pregnancy. It is a vision of the mother whose children follow like ducklings at the very sound of her soft, gentle voice. It is the one who knows when her neighbor is in need and is there to provide whatever she can to be a witness for His kingdom. I think it’s the vision of the woman found in Proverbs 31. I’m pretty sure that’s her. Have you seen her, too?

As I have this vision I’m reminded of Gideon and the Midianites. Gideon was prepared and ready for war with his 32, 000 soldiers; but God said, “No.” God said that was too many people. Why? “…lest Israel claim glory for itself against Me, saying, ‘My own hand has saved me.’” God weeded them out, all the way down to 300. That’s a big difference there, Gideon.

And that is when the light shines through. I’m just beginning this journey of true biblical womanhood. If God allowed me to be “perfect” without tribulation, affliction, and trials, it would be so easy for the root of pride to neglect God’s grace and to take the credit and glory for what “I” have accomplished. I remember when I was pregnant with Lily and I professed to my family my desire for four children. My mother commented that I would never have four children because I couldn’t handle it. My sinful pride thought, “Well, I’ll show her.” At the time, my desire for four children was more so I could have a big kitchen table. God, however, changed that desire from four children around a kitchen table to a desire to create an army for Him. And you know what else He changed? I realized my mother was right! I can’t handle it by myself. But praise God that through Him and by Him I can! I may not be the “perfect” mom, but by His grace I will fold each sock, dry each dish, kiss each boo-boo, and hug my husband for His glory and His glory alone.


“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

The Sweeter Side of Life

Dear Friends,

I must let you know…it’s not always this bad. Since I was a small child, I have followed the same pattern. When I am sad, I write. When I am mad, I write. My journals are quite depressing. It is how I release my emotions.

The truth is this.... I have an amazingly helpful and supportive husband and three beautiful children. I serve an amazing God who has providentially placed amazing people in my life. So amazing that they made this walk a lot easier than the previous one. Many of you that have emailed me and messaged me only know me through the blog…you don’t see my silly antics and pictures on facebook. You don’t get to see me pushing my kids in swings and taking picnics and going fishing. You don’t get to see me when I do enjoy life…because then I’m too busy enjoying it and I don’t want to stop and write. I’ve received enough concerned response…I felt like I should let everyone know some things.

The truth is the first two or three weeks after I had my precious Anna, I didn’t cook a dinner because my sisters in Christ provided them for me. The truth is those same sisters have allowed me to borrow or offered their daughters to come allow me to rest. The support has been incredible and I praise God for His provision through them.

But, my previous two personal posts are still a reality. Hormonal things happen to many of us in varying degrees. I do have days when I am sad…but I also have very enjoyable days. Postpartum blues are a very strange thing to me. It is overwhelming at times when my little angel nurses that I am overtaken with sadness, tiredness, and nausea all at the same time. But praise God again! I have a dear friend that experiences the same thing and we can support each other.

I also believe it is a reality that having a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn…is HARD! And top that with postpartum blues and there is surely going to be tears. Wait, take away the postpartum blues and there is going to be tears! Especially, when there is intentional parenting involved.

So, friends, those who know me personally and those who don’t, thank you so much for your prayers and please keep praying…I need them. I’m sure many of your prayers were God’s means to make my days enjoyable.

Much love to you today!

Seeds of Tears

I keep reading and hearing about how I’m supposed to be a joyful mother. I search and pray for contentment…yet lack the joy I want my children to see and experience from their mother. Sometimes I want to chop it up to genetics, but know that it is the sin of discontentment. (Or maybe I’m just tired.)

Either way, I decided to do a word study to make sure these folks were telling me the truth…that I should be joyful. Using my concordance I find the word “joy” 155 times in scripture…and this does not include the word “joyful.” As I begin my study on joy, something rings a bell…

“Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalms 126:5, 6

And I see it…I go forth with tears, weeping. I pray over my children and tears flow out. I fail. They fail. And only God can save us. I beg and plead and pray for Him to deliver us. And I must realize, this is the beginning of the harvest.  I must step back and work. Sometimes there won’t be joy…but in the end joy has been promised.

Suffering saints have a seedness of tears. They are in tears often; they share in the calamities of human life, and commonly have a greater share in them than others. But they sow in tears; they do the duty of an afflicted state and so answer the intentions of the providences they are under. Weeping must not hinder sowing; when we suffer ill we must be doing well. Nay, as the ground is by the rain prepared for the seed, and the husbandman sometimes chooses to sow in the wet, so we must improve times of affliction, as disposing us to repentance, and prayer, and humiliation. Nay, there are tears which are themselves the seed that we must sow, tears of sorrow for sin, our own and others, tears of sympathy with the afflicted church, and the tears of tenderness in prayer and under the word. These are precious seed, such as the husbandman sows when corn is dear and he has but little for his family, and therefore weeps to part with it, yet buries it under ground, in expectation of receiving it again with advantage. Thus does a good man sow in tears. They shall have a harvest of joy. The troubles of the saints will not last always, but, when they have done their work, shall have a happy period. The captives in Babylon were long sowing in tears, but at length they were brought forth with joy, and then they reaped the benefit of their patient suffering, and brought their sheaves with them to their own land, in their experiences of the goodness of God to them. Job, and Joseph, and David, and many others, had harvests of joy after a sorrowful seedness. Those that sow in the tears of godly sorrow shall reap in the joy of a sealed pardon and a settled peace. Those that sow to the spirit, in this vale of tears, shall of the spirit reap life everlasting, and that will be a joyful harvest indeed. Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be for ever comforted. (Matthew Henry Commentary on the Whole Bible; Psalms 126:4-6)

Stormy Days

Can I just write with raw, postpartum, hormonal emotion today? Should you ask me how things are going…I will say, “Really well.” Because, the truth is things are going well. I have a baby that is as content as can be and completely lives up to her name. She has given this momma grace that is much needed…she has sheltered me from the storm.

But there are still days and moments that I want to cry. I do cry. Three weeks in and there are moments that I feel like a failure. I look at her and then I look at my first born and just wished I had known then what I know now. Because now, most days I feel like I’m back peddling trying to fix and mend what I feel like I broke.

Every bone in my body wants to ooze with love and kindness and gentleness…but every day when I have a new day…all that comes out is correction and instruction and harshness. I don’t want this to be who they see…but I also must address the foolishness of their hearts.

Before I go on this rant…let me make clear. God has a great plan. Every moment and every event of my seemingly trivial day is for His glory and for His purpose. I know He is sanctifying me. I know I should be rejoicing in all things. I know there is a greater good. I know that I should not grow weary because in due season I will reap what I sow…but…

It doesn’t make it easier right now. It doesn’t make it easier to nurse an infant and correct a disobedient preschooler…all the while the toddler is about to break his leg from standing on a bicycle seat. It doesn’t make it easier to pick up the never ending line of toys while you know toilet paper is being strewn out all over the bathroom and water is running over the sink because someone is washing her hands for the sixteenth time in five minutes. It doesn’t make it any easier that every day I feel like I’m the mean one, the one who can’t have fun because I’m too busy trying to maintain some type of order and control. Because if I don’t…won’t the whole ship wreck?

And that is where S-I-N rears his ugly head. That is when the whole world can see that my faith is little and I once again trust more in me than I trust in God. I. Want. Control. He has this ship under control and why can’t I just rest in His will? Why can’t I just let go?

And a great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that it was already filling. But He was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they awoke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. But He said to them, “Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” Mark 4:37-40

Our Lucky Love Day

If I were one to believe in luck over God’s Providence…this would be one of those times. What better day to experience the Luck o’ the Irish than on St. Patrick’s Day? Eight years ago today, I met my love for the first time. I often go back to that meeting and sit in awe of God’s handy work.

Just the other morning when my alarm went off, I heard this song for the first time. Rather than rolling over and hitting the “off” button, I just stayed there and listened because it really did take me back to that place, to that time, to those first few weeks and months.

I’ve  explained our story. I’ve explained that the week Nate and I met was the same week doctors found he had a brain tumor… in a place where even a biopsy would’ve been risky. He opted for me to “get out now” but I wouldn’t go that easy. Within days, God was molding us to be a part of each other forever. I would not go.

We would be going to MRIs, CTs, and doctor visit after doctor visit. And then…it was gone. Just like that, no more tumor. No chemo, no operation, not even the risky biopsy. Just when the CT was being completed to figure out how they were going to go in…it was gone.

The next several months were spent following up. The next several years were spent dealing with the fears. He would often wake me up at night because he felt a knot on his body or something just was not right. I wish I could go back and be more sympathetic because I can’t imagine the things that he went through…the fear he had when his life was almost over and then suddenly he miraculously had it back?

God eventually gave him peace about his anxieties. And Nate showed me he wouldn’t let go either. Through heart break after heart break and through one of the most emotionally draining times of my life, he stood by my side. He held me when I couldn’t stand and led me when I thought one of the most important people in my life was on the verge of death. He continues to hold me and walk by me through heart break, through stressed days, through not being enough… and at the end of the day, in some small way he assures me I am enough.

Happy “Day We Met” Anniversary, to my love…

Still counting…

As we count down the days to 24, 23, 22… I find it harder to count the gifts. Not because I don’t see them, because I don’t have the energy to grab my pencil. I don’t have the energy to even pick up the book. So, I coast through this time knowing it is a season and it won’t be long before my blessings and gifts are counted in abundance. It won’t be long before she is here and I wonder what number she will be? And until then…I count slowly…

11. Pitter patter of feet in the early morning hours

12. A stranger praying for Anna Lee

13. Naps…much needed naps

14. Sister and brother making each other laugh…

15. Sister and brother laughter making this tired momma smile

16. Blessings, both needed and wanted, provided when we just wait

17. Dinner guests and great conversation

18. The little girl who exceeds my expectations

19. Free books

20. Knowing that this counting doesn’t have to be rushed and that it’s OK that I’m taking it slow and easy…counting and life.

Award and Winner!

Blogging has many benefits. Not only do we get to share our own thoughts, but we are encouraged and uplifted by the writings of our blogging comrades. And sometimes…we win stuff!

I was ecstatic when I won Think by John Piper from Tried By Fire! This is one of my favorite blogs that I am recently following. (And not because I just won a book from her!)

And then, low and behold…our friend Gregg over at Gospel-Driven Disciples awarded Losing Michelle with a Stylish Blogger Award. Thank you, Gregg!

With the acceptance of this award, I must pass the award on to other fellow bloggers. I follow several blogs that would deserve this award…but I think I will send some folks my friend Sarah’s way and give this award to Crumbs Under My Table. Sarah and I met online by speaking out for our faith and found out we live in the same neighborhood! You will find Sarah has a great love for God’s Word when visiting her blog. (You can pick up the award at the bottom of the page, Sarah.)

Another part of the award is that I must share seven things about myself…this should be easy…we all love to talk about ourselves, right?

1. I am a creature of habit and routine. On any given Monday-Friday, you will probably find me doing the same thing at the same time most days. (As may or may not be evidenced by some of the following things about me.)
2. I am a morning person. It is nearly impossible for me to sit down the first two hours I am awake. This is not in any way caffeine induced, it is all natural.
3. My favorite place to be at 6AM is on the road walking or running. Unfortunately, my body thinks when it is pregnant it is a descendant of the slug family. I’m thinking about running home from the hospital.
4. My undergraduate degree is in psychology. I think that is hilarious because I don’t believe in what I now consider hog wash. (Sorry, Dr. Pelley…I still love you and you are still my most favorite instructor EVER.)
5. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a Fly Girl when I grew up.
6. When I was in college, I scheduled showers and meals. Actually, other than classes and work, most of my day was scheduled in 15 minute increments.
7. My husband doesn’t like to cook when I’m in the kitchen. Before he has used something he needs, I have washed and/or put it away.

I hope none of this leaves you with the impression I’m anal. I’m sure Dr. Pelley could have a hay day with this. Have a great Monday!

Reality can change quickly…

God is so sustaining in our time of need. That day when I couldn’t take it…the day when the next thing that happened was going to bring me to tears. I saw Him lift it up and take it off of my shoulders.

As the pressure built, I sat quietly at the kitchen table as they played around me. I could look at them and see… that day, it was all me. They played together by my side while I dealt with my emotions.

And then they napped. When they awoke I could still see Him. I could still see Him guiding their spirits, as so to say, “Momma can only handle a little right now.” So, when refused a request, they simply walked away with joy and no questions and no crying to find something else to hold their attention. I sat on the couch, trying to find the motivation to prepare dinner and gain back control over the mess. I watched as she put away her blocks and her toys where they belonged…never being asked. I looked at him snuggled quietly beside me.

As I go to prepare dinner, he calls and says, “Don’t worry about it. We’ll go out.” And then there I am…a step ahead with tomorrow’s dinner half prepared. I continue on and put it away for tomorrow. As it is prepared, I hear the quietness around me. That curious quietness that sometimes cannot be good with two little ones. I step into the room, to find them both sitting there in the floor…each with a book of their own in their small hands.

I don’t hear the cries of squabbles. I don’t hear the questions. I just hear the peace of God saying…there will be joy…not tomorrow, but today.

He whispers sweet peace to me...

Reality

Today is one of those days. One of those days when the kids have been up an hour and I know we need a “do over.” I send Lily to her room to go back to bed for a little while…with these instructions. When you get up this time, we are starting over. We are starting over with a more pleasant attitude towards all of those around us. When in reality, I’m the one that needs to start this day over. I’m the one standing at the kitchen sink trying to just block out the incessant questions and the incessant crying.

Today is one of those days when we are riding down the road and I want to turn the radio up to block it all out. I don’t want to hear so I don’t have to answer any more questions. I don’t want to hear what is going on in the back seat so I don’t have to deal with it.

Today is one of those days that it takes all I have not to cry and to hold myself together. Today is one of those days when it takes all I have to not feel like a complete failure. I feel like a failure because I’m tired of answering the same question for the one hundredth time. I’m tired of putting the Handy Manny gloves on for the one hundredth time. I’m tired of  settling the squabbles over hats and tricycles.

So, I just sit. And for today I let it all go.  I don’t worry about cleaning up the lunch mess so I can put the Handy Manny gloves on his hands for the one hundred and on… second time. I just sit here and try to not be distracted by the toys that are accumulating on the floor so I can answer the same question just one more time.

I have so much to be thankful for each and every day, including today. But on the rare occasion, I have one of those days. Today is one of those days and I know tomorrow there will be more joy.

Quiver what?

It was not long ago that I shared with you some of the more “interesting” responses we received with the announcement of our third child. At the time, I was entering into the nauseating stages of the first trimester. It was not long into this trimester that Nate and I both began to ponder just how we could possibly do this again. I would be more than dishonest if I said it was not sometimes near impossible to keep up with two toddlers while being, not only sick, but completely exhausted. I just could not possibly think of doing this again.

But, as always, God has a way of changing hearts and I still feel “empty” with the thought of only three little ones. (Nate, however, is not completely on board at the moment.) I am still not positive what my convictions are or if they are actually founded by Scripture. But I know a few things…

I know when I hear someone say they “don’t want anymore,” it makes my heart cringe.


I know that right now, I’m not brave enough to tell God how many children I am going to have. “A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9


I know it doesn’t make sense to call them a blessing and at the same time refuse those blessings. “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.” Psalm 127:3


As a culture, we say we love our children more than anything. Would you like $1 million? Well…YEAH. Would you like a bigger, nicer home? Of course! How about that new car? Yes. How about more kids? NO. THANKS. So, if we love our kids more than our money, our homes, and our cars…then why do we despise the thought of more? Why have children become a burden instead of a blessing? Is it that our children prevent us from having all the other “stuff” that makes us happy…but what does the Bible say? “Jesus said to him, ‘If you want to be perfect, go sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven, and come, follow Me.’ But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.” Matthew 19:21-22

I say this because I believe the number one reason people do not have more children is money. That is a question we get a lot. How are you going to be able to afford them? Just wait until they get older, they get more expensive. Is it possible they get more expensive because you choose to give them worldly things instead of godly things? I’m not saying that there are not expenses to having children; but I am saying the expense of your children depends a lot on the lifestyle you choose to live. If the lifestyle you choose to live prevents you from expanding the kingdom of God, then maybe you need to reflect on how you are glorifying God. So, now I ask myself, will I walk away sorrowful because of my desire for great possessions?

Of those few things I know, I also know this;

I know that regardless of what happens, God is sovereign. If He closes my womb, He is sovereign. If He closes our hearts, He is sovereign. No matter the spiritual battle I am currently having, His will…will be done.

I also know this probably won't be the last time you read about this...

Broken at His Feet

As I spoke with a dear friend over lunch, we discussed the different stages and times of desire we have after God and His Word. She seemed to be in a place where I myself have walked so many times before. It is a place where God seems so far away. It is the place where you look at yourself and think, “How can I be of God?” As we spoke, I was able to recall the thoughts of those much wiser than I in the faith – in that, when we see how far we are from God, our only choice is to flee to the feet of Christ. It is when we think we are “OK” and “good” that we forget our need for a Savior. (Psalms 51:17)

Through the conversation, I remembered a time not long ago where I, too, was dealing with doubt. I recall spending the morning in His Word and being flooded with the thought, “Do I really believe this?” Because if we truly believed in His Word wouldn’t our lives look much different? Through the course of my reading that morning my heart began to cry out to God – for faith, for understanding. My mind could not comprehend how I am supposed to teach my children about Jesus if I am not sure about Jesus myself. And then I came to the conclusion, even if I spend the rest of my life in doubt and still lead them to Him… all the pain is worth it. Even if in the end I am reprobate but they know Jesus, it is all worth it.

Before I knew it that morning, I was scrambling to change diapers and prepare breakfast. My darling Nate called before I made my way to the table and I found more comfort in pouring my heart out to him. Over tears I told him of my doubts and my issues with faith and my cries out to God. And then God opened my eyes to something more that day… Here I am preparing and caring for my children and my home. There they are at my feet looking up at me. There they are watching me broken at the feet of Jesus. And that is when it dawned on me, when they see my brokenness…they do see what it means to believe in Jesus.

I pray for my dear friend that she sees His Spirit will send her on in perseverance.

"One mark of growth in grace is increased humility. The man whose soul is growing feels his own sinfulness and unworthiness more every year." - J. C. Ryle

A Time of Fasting

I sign in to make an announcement of time away; time away for something very specific. As I sign in, it isn’t long before blog after blog and link after link float onto my screen. I have known for quite sometime now how distracting the instant communication in my life has become. I have pondered shutting it all down for a period of time. And then a fellow blogger gave me the “push” I needed to make that step.

We are a people of busyness and our lives are full of distraction. Have you ever thought about spending your time in prayer and fasting? Fasting has always been fascinating to me. When I was younger, I envisioned myself spending hours in prayer without food or water. Merely a year ago, I envisioned myself alone in a hotel room with nothing but my Bible. I needed a time to clear my head and to see God’s miraculous work in my life. I felt I needed to feel the physical presence of God in my life and I felt my faith needed to increase. After all the time I’ve spent thinking about fasting and prayer, I have never actually had a time of fasting and prayer.

Obviously, being five months with child I cannot endure a physical fasting from food. So, as I think about my life and where my biggest distractions lie, it would be the World Wide Web. From blogs to Facebook to sermons to youtube…two hours has past before I realize. My mind is even distracted when I am away from my computer by the ever-present Blackberry. There is not a moment when I am not “in touch” with all that is going on out there…meaningless or not. As things happen, I wonder in what way should I share this with the world? As if the world really cares what is going on in my life at any particular moment. I believe it can all come back to vanity and pride at times. Sometimes, I have come to wonder if my thoughts are not thoughts but a mere step to the next blog post. I believe sometimes what we put out there stops just short of glorifying God and walks right into lifting up self.

So, today, I lay it all down. I will not sign in or on anywhere out here. My phone notifications are going off and I am unplugging. It may be a week or two and it may be a month. I will spend my time reading, praying, and journaling…with pen and paper. (Gasp!) As oddly as it sounds, this could be hard. I border on OCD and addiction with my phone…oh but to be free from the bondage!

The First to Break My Heart

You were the first man to ever break my heart. I’ve spent years trying to learn how to let go of you, but only end up clinging to you with all I have. I know if I let go, than you’re probably gone. I’ve seen you walk away too many times to think otherwise.

When I was a little girl your presence could light up my world. As I grew older, how I longed for you to smile at me and with me. I lived each and every day in denial. In my world there was hope that you were the person who loved me just as much as I wanted you to. Now as an adult, I still fight to let go of the person who is not there…and never was. My hope in you will not fade no matter how many times you break my heart.

It wasn’t long before our roles reversed. Instead of the king embracing the princess, the princess had to carry the king. Each and every time you fall, I am the first there to pick you up. And no matter how far I carry you, I am just an inch short of what you want and it is all in vain.

I am thirty-one now and you are still breaking my heart. My children have seen me cry and sob too many times when you have hurt me. As I try again to contemplate letting go, I ask my prince if I will have to deal with the pain the rest of my life? Will the heartache of not having you although you are alive ever go away?

The children are in the next room playing as I stand at the sink and clean up from lunch. They don’t hear me as I turn my back to the sink and bury my face into a towel and just sob because I hurt so much. I return to the sink and the sound of a little voice catches my attention. I look up to see two faces in the other room looking at me. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”

“It’s OK, Baby. Somebody just hurt Mommy’s heart.”

And she says, “Oh. You want to play cards, Mommy?”

“Of course, I do.”

The pain may never go away and this may be a battle I fight until you are gone. But, I have my own prince and princess now. And there is a King in my life that will never forsake me. And my hope in Him will get me through this.

Doubting Michelle

My heart aches and I feel like David calling out to God through his psalms. I am at such a loss as to why in one “religion” there can be so many views and so many ways. I get so caught up sometimes in knowing Truth that at the end of the day I just want to throw up my hands and say, “I quit!”

As I sat here today and cried and prayed, I realized my heart and soul does not long for God for my own salvation but to know Him. I just simply want to know who He is. And on days like today, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and going nowhere. The moment I feel like I’m gaining traction, I slam into yet another wall.

I see facades of Christianity all around me. I see people that have walked the same path for years never questioning why they are on the road they are on…even if it’s the path that leads to destruction. I hear and see of this supernatural spirituality that just does not happen to me or seem real to me. I beg God to open my eyes and to let me see Him.

I just want to give up. I want to close The Book and walk away. But then I try to imagine my life without Him, and I realize without Him it would all fall apart. As I cry out to Him in prayer, He calls back in my mind and says, “There is a way that seems right to man…” And then it’s gone. I have to literally look the scripture up to see if it is scripture. “There is a way that seems right to man, But its end is the way of death.” Proverbs 16:25.

I have no idea why this scripture came to mind during this time of prayer. I have never memorized this scripture; and for that matter, God has never really spoke to me this way. And as I sit here writing this, I think maybe it is God’s way of telling me I’m relying more on man than God to get me to the right path...