Saturday, December 11, 2010

Broken at His Feet

As I spoke with a dear friend over lunch, we discussed the different stages and times of desire we have after God and His Word. She seemed to be in a place where I myself have walked so many times before. It is a place where God seems so far away. It is the place where you look at yourself and think, “How can I be of God?” As we spoke, I was able to recall the thoughts of those much wiser than I in the faith – in that, when we see how far we are from God, our only choice is to flee to the feet of Christ. It is when we think we are “OK” and “good” that we forget our need for a Savior. (Psalms 51:17)

Through the conversation, I remembered a time not long ago where I, too, was dealing with doubt. I recall spending the morning in His Word and being flooded with the thought, “Do I really believe this?” Because if we truly believed in His Word wouldn’t our lives look much different? Through the course of my reading that morning my heart began to cry out to God – for faith, for understanding. My mind could not comprehend how I am supposed to teach my children about Jesus if I am not sure about Jesus myself. And then I came to the conclusion, even if I spend the rest of my life in doubt and still lead them to Him… all the pain is worth it. Even if in the end I am reprobate but they know Jesus, it is all worth it.

Before I knew it that morning, I was scrambling to change diapers and prepare breakfast. My darling Nate called before I made my way to the table and I found more comfort in pouring my heart out to him. Over tears I told him of my doubts and my issues with faith and my cries out to God. And then God opened my eyes to something more that day… Here I am preparing and caring for my children and my home. There they are at my feet looking up at me. There they are watching me broken at the feet of Jesus. And that is when it dawned on me, when they see my brokenness…they do see what it means to believe in Jesus.

I pray for my dear friend that she sees His Spirit will send her on in perseverance.

"One mark of growth in grace is increased humility. The man whose soul is growing feels his own sinfulness and unworthiness more every year." - J. C. Ryle


Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

Oh wow, girl. It seems like I have dipped in and out of this pool constantly for the last several years. I can very much relate to this post. One of the things He taught me in the middle of one of those silent times was this: I wanted to feel His presence SO desperately, and He said to me that He wanted my undivided devotion whether I could enjoy feeling Him or not. Man, that's a tough pill to swallow. :-) I had never realized that I could actually make an idol out of my EXPERIENCE OF HIM. "Love Me because of Who I am, not just your experience with Me." Yup. Cut to the core. Love the quote you gave, too.

Ma ~ said...

My hubby says we have to trust in the word and not our feelings. Hard to do, but it is in the silent times, that he draws us near. And if one is His, He holds us up...I can't really explain how, but He does!