Still doubting...

Lately, I find myself feeling as if those chains are still tied around my feet binding me to laws and illuminating my sin. Where is my freedom? It seems that if I could find this freedom then I could find that joy that I was looking for awhile back as well. My mind races with overwhelming thoughts of my insufficiencies and I return to bondage and do not cling to the grace that has been offered.

I quickly forget that the lives of my children are in His hands and that He has a purpose for them. He has an eternal purpose that will take place despite my best efforts and daily mess-ups. Each night I lay down assuring myself tomorrow will be different…tomorrow I will take on the day differently. I will not put so much confidence in my own labors but I will have contentment in the working out of His will in our lives.

How do I live the gospel message before them when I wake up each day putting trust in myself? I’m like the disciples that walked with Jesus, “O ye of little faith.” Incredulous. Skeptical. Unbelieving. Unconvinced. Am I truly unconvinced of the grace that is offered to me? The grace that covers such a thing as my forgiveness all the way down to the grace that says He will provide me with protection from the storms?

“The good Shepherd has tender care for children that are towardly and hopeful, for young converts, that are setting out in the way to heaven, for weak believers, and those that are of a sorrowful spirit. These are the lambs of his flock, that shall be sure to want nothing that their case requires. He will gather them in the arms of his power; his strength shall be made perfect in their weakness, 2 Co 12:9. He will gather them in when they wander, gather them up when they fall, gather them together when they are dispersed, and gather them home to himself at last; and all this with his own arm, out of which none shall be able to pluck them, John 10:28. He will carry them in the bosom of his love and cherish them there. When they tire or are weary, are sick and faint, when they meet with foul ways, he will carry them on, and take care they are not left behind. He will gently lead them. By his word he requires no more service, and by his providence he inflicts no more trouble, than he will fit them for; for he considers their frame.” Matthew Henry on Isaiah 40:11

Do I dare say that often I don’t feel Him gently leading me? I don’t feel the comfort of His bosom and I don’t feel cherished…

I still long for His presence…each day I come to Him in prayer pleading for His presence to be in this home. Each day I know that just because I don’t feel Him doesn’t mean He is not here. So here I go, unconvinced, sometimes skeptical, yet still praying in the name of the only One who can bring me into the presence of God. Praying for my faith to increase and repenting for when it lacks.

Broken at His Feet

As I spoke with a dear friend over lunch, we discussed the different stages and times of desire we have after God and His Word. She seemed to be in a place where I myself have walked so many times before. It is a place where God seems so far away. It is the place where you look at yourself and think, “How can I be of God?” As we spoke, I was able to recall the thoughts of those much wiser than I in the faith – in that, when we see how far we are from God, our only choice is to flee to the feet of Christ. It is when we think we are “OK” and “good” that we forget our need for a Savior. (Psalms 51:17)

Through the conversation, I remembered a time not long ago where I, too, was dealing with doubt. I recall spending the morning in His Word and being flooded with the thought, “Do I really believe this?” Because if we truly believed in His Word wouldn’t our lives look much different? Through the course of my reading that morning my heart began to cry out to God – for faith, for understanding. My mind could not comprehend how I am supposed to teach my children about Jesus if I am not sure about Jesus myself. And then I came to the conclusion, even if I spend the rest of my life in doubt and still lead them to Him… all the pain is worth it. Even if in the end I am reprobate but they know Jesus, it is all worth it.

Before I knew it that morning, I was scrambling to change diapers and prepare breakfast. My darling Nate called before I made my way to the table and I found more comfort in pouring my heart out to him. Over tears I told him of my doubts and my issues with faith and my cries out to God. And then God opened my eyes to something more that day… Here I am preparing and caring for my children and my home. There they are at my feet looking up at me. There they are watching me broken at the feet of Jesus. And that is when it dawned on me, when they see my brokenness…they do see what it means to believe in Jesus.

I pray for my dear friend that she sees His Spirit will send her on in perseverance.

"One mark of growth in grace is increased humility. The man whose soul is growing feels his own sinfulness and unworthiness more every year." - J. C. Ryle

Doubting Michelle

My heart aches and I feel like David calling out to God through his psalms. I am at such a loss as to why in one “religion” there can be so many views and so many ways. I get so caught up sometimes in knowing Truth that at the end of the day I just want to throw up my hands and say, “I quit!”

As I sat here today and cried and prayed, I realized my heart and soul does not long for God for my own salvation but to know Him. I just simply want to know who He is. And on days like today, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and going nowhere. The moment I feel like I’m gaining traction, I slam into yet another wall.

I see facades of Christianity all around me. I see people that have walked the same path for years never questioning why they are on the road they are on…even if it’s the path that leads to destruction. I hear and see of this supernatural spirituality that just does not happen to me or seem real to me. I beg God to open my eyes and to let me see Him.

I just want to give up. I want to close The Book and walk away. But then I try to imagine my life without Him, and I realize without Him it would all fall apart. As I cry out to Him in prayer, He calls back in my mind and says, “There is a way that seems right to man…” And then it’s gone. I have to literally look the scripture up to see if it is scripture. “There is a way that seems right to man, But its end is the way of death.” Proverbs 16:25.

I have no idea why this scripture came to mind during this time of prayer. I have never memorized this scripture; and for that matter, God has never really spoke to me this way. And as I sit here writing this, I think maybe it is God’s way of telling me I’m relying more on man than God to get me to the right path...