Still doubting...

Lately, I find myself feeling as if those chains are still tied around my feet binding me to laws and illuminating my sin. Where is my freedom? It seems that if I could find this freedom then I could find that joy that I was looking for awhile back as well. My mind races with overwhelming thoughts of my insufficiencies and I return to bondage and do not cling to the grace that has been offered.

I quickly forget that the lives of my children are in His hands and that He has a purpose for them. He has an eternal purpose that will take place despite my best efforts and daily mess-ups. Each night I lay down assuring myself tomorrow will be different…tomorrow I will take on the day differently. I will not put so much confidence in my own labors but I will have contentment in the working out of His will in our lives.

How do I live the gospel message before them when I wake up each day putting trust in myself? I’m like the disciples that walked with Jesus, “O ye of little faith.” Incredulous. Skeptical. Unbelieving. Unconvinced. Am I truly unconvinced of the grace that is offered to me? The grace that covers such a thing as my forgiveness all the way down to the grace that says He will provide me with protection from the storms?

“The good Shepherd has tender care for children that are towardly and hopeful, for young converts, that are setting out in the way to heaven, for weak believers, and those that are of a sorrowful spirit. These are the lambs of his flock, that shall be sure to want nothing that their case requires. He will gather them in the arms of his power; his strength shall be made perfect in their weakness, 2 Co 12:9. He will gather them in when they wander, gather them up when they fall, gather them together when they are dispersed, and gather them home to himself at last; and all this with his own arm, out of which none shall be able to pluck them, John 10:28. He will carry them in the bosom of his love and cherish them there. When they tire or are weary, are sick and faint, when they meet with foul ways, he will carry them on, and take care they are not left behind. He will gently lead them. By his word he requires no more service, and by his providence he inflicts no more trouble, than he will fit them for; for he considers their frame.” Matthew Henry on Isaiah 40:11

Do I dare say that often I don’t feel Him gently leading me? I don’t feel the comfort of His bosom and I don’t feel cherished…

I still long for His presence…each day I come to Him in prayer pleading for His presence to be in this home. Each day I know that just because I don’t feel Him doesn’t mean He is not here. So here I go, unconvinced, sometimes skeptical, yet still praying in the name of the only One who can bring me into the presence of God. Praying for my faith to increase and repenting for when it lacks.

Are We Making Fat Souls?

As I walk into the house after lunch, I see the madness around me. It doesn’t take long with even a mere family of five for the order to start slipping away. (And it doesn’t matter how small the members of the family are.) But this morning we skipped chore time and spent our time at a local nature park with friends.

As I begin to straighten up the living room while the little ones play on the front porch, I am reminded of a recent post from a fellow blogger where she remembers the time when her goal was to at least maintain one room at a time. I decide today that is a good idea and try to clear the small amount of clutter around me. As I finish, I hear the baby stir and go to answer her call.

As I sit down to nurse her, JJ decides to reach for a book off the bookshelf…the middle book…out of a stack of books. Despite my efforts to verbally coach him on how to get it down…this happens.

I tell him it’s OK and I’ll help him clean it up in a minute. I reach for my smartphone to see what the rest of the world is up to and read Amy’s Homeschooling with a Purpose post for today.

As I’m reading I do what she says and I look around and what do I see? A very messy kitchen, a pile of books on the floor, and two little ones each pretending to read a book. All this while nursing this sweet little baby. And I get it for a moment… “If you spend your day striving for a home that looks devoid of family life, you will quickly find yourself devoid of family life.” ~ Amy

This is part of the lessons I’ve been learning lately. My home could be clean right now…but my children would not have been able to spend the morning enjoying the beauty of God’s creation with the fellowship of dear friends.

While I definitely believe order has it’s place, sometimes it’s better to just live and let go because… “Fat souls are better than clean floors.” (Rachel Jankovic)

“Seeking order in your home should never be about appearances because the Lord looks on the heart of your home and cares nothing for your tidy facade.” ~ Raising Arrows

The Sweeter Side of Life

Dear Friends,

I must let you know…it’s not always this bad. Since I was a small child, I have followed the same pattern. When I am sad, I write. When I am mad, I write. My journals are quite depressing. It is how I release my emotions.

The truth is this.... I have an amazingly helpful and supportive husband and three beautiful children. I serve an amazing God who has providentially placed amazing people in my life. So amazing that they made this walk a lot easier than the previous one. Many of you that have emailed me and messaged me only know me through the blog…you don’t see my silly antics and pictures on facebook. You don’t get to see me pushing my kids in swings and taking picnics and going fishing. You don’t get to see me when I do enjoy life…because then I’m too busy enjoying it and I don’t want to stop and write. I’ve received enough concerned response…I felt like I should let everyone know some things.

The truth is the first two or three weeks after I had my precious Anna, I didn’t cook a dinner because my sisters in Christ provided them for me. The truth is those same sisters have allowed me to borrow or offered their daughters to come allow me to rest. The support has been incredible and I praise God for His provision through them.

But, my previous two personal posts are still a reality. Hormonal things happen to many of us in varying degrees. I do have days when I am sad…but I also have very enjoyable days. Postpartum blues are a very strange thing to me. It is overwhelming at times when my little angel nurses that I am overtaken with sadness, tiredness, and nausea all at the same time. But praise God again! I have a dear friend that experiences the same thing and we can support each other.

I also believe it is a reality that having a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a newborn…is HARD! And top that with postpartum blues and there is surely going to be tears. Wait, take away the postpartum blues and there is going to be tears! Especially, when there is intentional parenting involved.

So, friends, those who know me personally and those who don’t, thank you so much for your prayers and please keep praying…I need them. I’m sure many of your prayers were God’s means to make my days enjoyable.

Much love to you today!

Seeds of Tears

I keep reading and hearing about how I’m supposed to be a joyful mother. I search and pray for contentment…yet lack the joy I want my children to see and experience from their mother. Sometimes I want to chop it up to genetics, but know that it is the sin of discontentment. (Or maybe I’m just tired.)

Either way, I decided to do a word study to make sure these folks were telling me the truth…that I should be joyful. Using my concordance I find the word “joy” 155 times in scripture…and this does not include the word “joyful.” As I begin my study on joy, something rings a bell…

“Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalms 126:5, 6

And I see it…I go forth with tears, weeping. I pray over my children and tears flow out. I fail. They fail. And only God can save us. I beg and plead and pray for Him to deliver us. And I must realize, this is the beginning of the harvest.  I must step back and work. Sometimes there won’t be joy…but in the end joy has been promised.

Suffering saints have a seedness of tears. They are in tears often; they share in the calamities of human life, and commonly have a greater share in them than others. But they sow in tears; they do the duty of an afflicted state and so answer the intentions of the providences they are under. Weeping must not hinder sowing; when we suffer ill we must be doing well. Nay, as the ground is by the rain prepared for the seed, and the husbandman sometimes chooses to sow in the wet, so we must improve times of affliction, as disposing us to repentance, and prayer, and humiliation. Nay, there are tears which are themselves the seed that we must sow, tears of sorrow for sin, our own and others, tears of sympathy with the afflicted church, and the tears of tenderness in prayer and under the word. These are precious seed, such as the husbandman sows when corn is dear and he has but little for his family, and therefore weeps to part with it, yet buries it under ground, in expectation of receiving it again with advantage. Thus does a good man sow in tears. They shall have a harvest of joy. The troubles of the saints will not last always, but, when they have done their work, shall have a happy period. The captives in Babylon were long sowing in tears, but at length they were brought forth with joy, and then they reaped the benefit of their patient suffering, and brought their sheaves with them to their own land, in their experiences of the goodness of God to them. Job, and Joseph, and David, and many others, had harvests of joy after a sorrowful seedness. Those that sow in the tears of godly sorrow shall reap in the joy of a sealed pardon and a settled peace. Those that sow to the spirit, in this vale of tears, shall of the spirit reap life everlasting, and that will be a joyful harvest indeed. Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be for ever comforted. (Matthew Henry Commentary on the Whole Bible; Psalms 126:4-6)

Stormy Days

Can I just write with raw, postpartum, hormonal emotion today? Should you ask me how things are going…I will say, “Really well.” Because, the truth is things are going well. I have a baby that is as content as can be and completely lives up to her name. She has given this momma grace that is much needed…she has sheltered me from the storm.

But there are still days and moments that I want to cry. I do cry. Three weeks in and there are moments that I feel like a failure. I look at her and then I look at my first born and just wished I had known then what I know now. Because now, most days I feel like I’m back peddling trying to fix and mend what I feel like I broke.

Every bone in my body wants to ooze with love and kindness and gentleness…but every day when I have a new day…all that comes out is correction and instruction and harshness. I don’t want this to be who they see…but I also must address the foolishness of their hearts.

Before I go on this rant…let me make clear. God has a great plan. Every moment and every event of my seemingly trivial day is for His glory and for His purpose. I know He is sanctifying me. I know I should be rejoicing in all things. I know there is a greater good. I know that I should not grow weary because in due season I will reap what I sow…but…

It doesn’t make it easier right now. It doesn’t make it easier to nurse an infant and correct a disobedient preschooler…all the while the toddler is about to break his leg from standing on a bicycle seat. It doesn’t make it easier to pick up the never ending line of toys while you know toilet paper is being strewn out all over the bathroom and water is running over the sink because someone is washing her hands for the sixteenth time in five minutes. It doesn’t make it any easier that every day I feel like I’m the mean one, the one who can’t have fun because I’m too busy trying to maintain some type of order and control. Because if I don’t…won’t the whole ship wreck?

And that is where S-I-N rears his ugly head. That is when the whole world can see that my faith is little and I once again trust more in me than I trust in God. I. Want. Control. He has this ship under control and why can’t I just rest in His will? Why can’t I just let go?

And a great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that it was already filling. But He was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they awoke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. But He said to them, “Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” Mark 4:37-40

Will I Ever Learn…

Last night after I read stories and put the babies to bed, I recall the frustration I felt leaving their bedroom. I don’t know why I felt frustration. It was just my way of once again being angry that things and people and life don’t fit into my mold of how it all should be…once again my expectations grind against God’s way and His plans.

As I sat on the couch, I recall the intense desire to go back to their rooms and take each of them and hug them just a little longer and give them another kiss. My love for them is so large and I feel at that moment that I haven’t and couldn’t possibly convey it to them enough…maybe, just maybe, another hug and kiss would do it.

I get a second chance this morning and I stop what I’m doing and live in the moment, and hug her when I first see her face. It’s not long before life becomes an emergency again. She peers up at my necklaces and asks to wear one. I see them hanging there and realize the last one she wore is missing and bark orders that if I allow you to wear my necklaces you must bring them back to me.

As I’m helping her dress, I begin to feel the guilt and I say to her…

“I hope one day you forgive me for being the first child. The child I have to learn how to be a good mommy with…” She listens. I continue, “I know one day though, you are going to be a very good mommy. What do you think it takes to be a good mommy, Lily?” And she simply turns around…and points to me.

She doesn’t see me when I fail…she just sees Mommy and love. I continue to believe Satan’s lie that I’m worthless and forget God’s grace and His promises. Will I ever have enough faith to stop trusting in myself and start trusting in Him?

Contentment and Joy

Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. 1 Timothy 6:6-8

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Hebrews 13:5

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness… Galatians 5:22

As my mind wanders doing my daily tasks, I find myself lacking. I wonder how I can strive for joy and contentment? Is it within me to strive or can only God provide me with the two things I long for the most?

As I realize the wash has stopped, there is another load of clothes to fold, dishes in the sink, and dinner to be prepared. I say out loud to my husband, who is home for a quick lunch, “It never stops.” And later when I’m putting away clothes and the children are napping, I realize again how I lack joy and contentment and what I said to my dear husband was wrong. The service I give to my family is all in vain if I find no joy…if I do it out of duty and not out of love will I ever win their hearts?

So, I go back to my original question…can I strive for joy and contentment or is this something God must work in me? Where is the balance between His work and my responsibility? Is it that God shows me those things I lack so I continuously come back to His grace?

When I find myself burdened by the same daily tasks, consumed with the thoughts of how I could run this home better, and how my children could be more obedient if I would just do something different…I’m telling Him He is not sufficient. I’m telling Him His grace is not sufficient. I’m telling Him…I need more than Him.

Contentment. Joy.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10