Grace Living

Last week when everyone else was determining their “words” for the year, I was left wondering what one word would I want to lead me through the upcoming year. Thinking perhaps I should just move on and leave behind any yearly resolutions or words, it dawned on me.

At the end of 2011, I began to realize the burden of self-reliance I had been carrying through much of the year. Every corner I turned was about how I could make all the difference. I could make the difference in my home. I could determine my children’s obedience. I could determine their future. I could determine what people thought about my family and me. I became so caught up in the appearance of godliness that I lost the heart of true, Holy Spirit-driven godliness. For the first time ever, I was looking at myself and thinking, “Legalism? Me? Nooo!” The sin of self-righteousness was speaking boldly to my face. I knew what had crept into my heart this year.

So, Sunday I claimed it. Grace. This year is my year of grace. The year where I remember His grace...

Grace in regeneration.

Grace in sanctification,

Grace in parenting.

Grace in relationships.

Grace in communication.

Grace in living.

I want to see grace in what I read, in what I pray, and how I walk. I want to give grace as it was given to me. I want to precede knowing that God receives glory out of ugly, rebellious, disobedience just as much as He receives glory out of lovely, devoted, obedience. I mean, without the ugly how could we really know how much we need Him?

God hasn't left me alone to search for grace but is immediately making grace real in His word and through the story of Joseph. Joseph, betrayed by his own brothers and yet so willing to offer grace to them. Not only grace, but the very best of everything he had. He kissed them and wept over them, the same men who planned his death and took him away from the land he knew. Joseph truly understood God’s sovereignty even through His hardships. He spent years in prison for being wrongfully accused…and yet, he could see God’s purpose in it all. He could see that God glorifying grace is not always lovely and not always what we would choose for ourselves.

“His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants." But Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones." Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.” Genesis 50: 18-20 (ESV, emphasis added)

2012...a year to remember and grow in grace.

Still doubting...

Lately, I find myself feeling as if those chains are still tied around my feet binding me to laws and illuminating my sin. Where is my freedom? It seems that if I could find this freedom then I could find that joy that I was looking for awhile back as well. My mind races with overwhelming thoughts of my insufficiencies and I return to bondage and do not cling to the grace that has been offered.

I quickly forget that the lives of my children are in His hands and that He has a purpose for them. He has an eternal purpose that will take place despite my best efforts and daily mess-ups. Each night I lay down assuring myself tomorrow will be different…tomorrow I will take on the day differently. I will not put so much confidence in my own labors but I will have contentment in the working out of His will in our lives.

How do I live the gospel message before them when I wake up each day putting trust in myself? I’m like the disciples that walked with Jesus, “O ye of little faith.” Incredulous. Skeptical. Unbelieving. Unconvinced. Am I truly unconvinced of the grace that is offered to me? The grace that covers such a thing as my forgiveness all the way down to the grace that says He will provide me with protection from the storms?

“The good Shepherd has tender care for children that are towardly and hopeful, for young converts, that are setting out in the way to heaven, for weak believers, and those that are of a sorrowful spirit. These are the lambs of his flock, that shall be sure to want nothing that their case requires. He will gather them in the arms of his power; his strength shall be made perfect in their weakness, 2 Co 12:9. He will gather them in when they wander, gather them up when they fall, gather them together when they are dispersed, and gather them home to himself at last; and all this with his own arm, out of which none shall be able to pluck them, John 10:28. He will carry them in the bosom of his love and cherish them there. When they tire or are weary, are sick and faint, when they meet with foul ways, he will carry them on, and take care they are not left behind. He will gently lead them. By his word he requires no more service, and by his providence he inflicts no more trouble, than he will fit them for; for he considers their frame.” Matthew Henry on Isaiah 40:11

Do I dare say that often I don’t feel Him gently leading me? I don’t feel the comfort of His bosom and I don’t feel cherished…

I still long for His presence…each day I come to Him in prayer pleading for His presence to be in this home. Each day I know that just because I don’t feel Him doesn’t mean He is not here. So here I go, unconvinced, sometimes skeptical, yet still praying in the name of the only One who can bring me into the presence of God. Praying for my faith to increase and repenting for when it lacks.

Will I Ever Learn…

Last night after I read stories and put the babies to bed, I recall the frustration I felt leaving their bedroom. I don’t know why I felt frustration. It was just my way of once again being angry that things and people and life don’t fit into my mold of how it all should be…once again my expectations grind against God’s way and His plans.

As I sat on the couch, I recall the intense desire to go back to their rooms and take each of them and hug them just a little longer and give them another kiss. My love for them is so large and I feel at that moment that I haven’t and couldn’t possibly convey it to them enough…maybe, just maybe, another hug and kiss would do it.

I get a second chance this morning and I stop what I’m doing and live in the moment, and hug her when I first see her face. It’s not long before life becomes an emergency again. She peers up at my necklaces and asks to wear one. I see them hanging there and realize the last one she wore is missing and bark orders that if I allow you to wear my necklaces you must bring them back to me.

As I’m helping her dress, I begin to feel the guilt and I say to her…

“I hope one day you forgive me for being the first child. The child I have to learn how to be a good mommy with…” She listens. I continue, “I know one day though, you are going to be a very good mommy. What do you think it takes to be a good mommy, Lily?” And she simply turns around…and points to me.

She doesn’t see me when I fail…she just sees Mommy and love. I continue to believe Satan’s lie that I’m worthless and forget God’s grace and His promises. Will I ever have enough faith to stop trusting in myself and start trusting in Him?

Contentment and Joy

Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. 1 Timothy 6:6-8

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Hebrews 13:5

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness… Galatians 5:22

As my mind wanders doing my daily tasks, I find myself lacking. I wonder how I can strive for joy and contentment? Is it within me to strive or can only God provide me with the two things I long for the most?

As I realize the wash has stopped, there is another load of clothes to fold, dishes in the sink, and dinner to be prepared. I say out loud to my husband, who is home for a quick lunch, “It never stops.” And later when I’m putting away clothes and the children are napping, I realize again how I lack joy and contentment and what I said to my dear husband was wrong. The service I give to my family is all in vain if I find no joy…if I do it out of duty and not out of love will I ever win their hearts?

So, I go back to my original question…can I strive for joy and contentment or is this something God must work in me? Where is the balance between His work and my responsibility? Is it that God shows me those things I lack so I continuously come back to His grace?

When I find myself burdened by the same daily tasks, consumed with the thoughts of how I could run this home better, and how my children could be more obedient if I would just do something different…I’m telling Him He is not sufficient. I’m telling Him His grace is not sufficient. I’m telling Him…I need more than Him.

Contentment. Joy.

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Reality can change quickly…

God is so sustaining in our time of need. That day when I couldn’t take it…the day when the next thing that happened was going to bring me to tears. I saw Him lift it up and take it off of my shoulders.

As the pressure built, I sat quietly at the kitchen table as they played around me. I could look at them and see… that day, it was all me. They played together by my side while I dealt with my emotions.

And then they napped. When they awoke I could still see Him. I could still see Him guiding their spirits, as so to say, “Momma can only handle a little right now.” So, when refused a request, they simply walked away with joy and no questions and no crying to find something else to hold their attention. I sat on the couch, trying to find the motivation to prepare dinner and gain back control over the mess. I watched as she put away her blocks and her toys where they belonged…never being asked. I looked at him snuggled quietly beside me.

As I go to prepare dinner, he calls and says, “Don’t worry about it. We’ll go out.” And then there I am…a step ahead with tomorrow’s dinner half prepared. I continue on and put it away for tomorrow. As it is prepared, I hear the quietness around me. That curious quietness that sometimes cannot be good with two little ones. I step into the room, to find them both sitting there in the floor…each with a book of their own in their small hands.

I don’t hear the cries of squabbles. I don’t hear the questions. I just hear the peace of God saying…there will be joy…not tomorrow, but today.

He whispers sweet peace to me...

The Conviction of Love

I had heard this exercise prompt before. You know, replace “Love” with your name in the “love passage” in 1 Corinthians 13. I had never actually done it…I’m still not even sure if it is a proper exercise. But, I went with it. I decided I would take my time and try this out.

Michelle suffers long and is kind; Michelle does not envy; Michelle does not parade herself, is not puffed up; Michelle does not behave rudely, does not seek her own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Can we be honest? Should this “replacement” be legit, I have very little love in me. Of course, there are moments when I am kind and patient. I have a toddler and a preschooler, God has granted me patience most days. However, there are the other days.

But oh dear… puffed up, behaves rudely, is not provoked, thinks no evil?!

When I can’t understand why other people just can’t see scripture, faith, parenting, (fill in the blank), the way I do, I get puffed up and I forget 1 Cor 4:7. (For who makes you differ from another? And what do you have that you did not receive? Now if you indeed did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it?)

When I am frustrated at my husband and I use no words, but angry looks and attitudes I am behaving rudely…and chances are I have allowed myself to be provoked. I have forgotten the fruits of the Spirit…the fruits of joy, gentleness, and self-control.

And by just using the two examples above, we arrive at “thinking” evil. How our thoughts can control us! Am I “bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ?”  (2 Cor 10:5) When I rage in my selfish mind about why my husband, my mother, my sister, or my friend don’t do things the way I want them to…my thoughts tear me down and in turn my actions and words do not lift others up in love.

So, I am brought back to my knees and back to Christ. His grace is the only answer for my selfish desires and motives. I pray for love. I pray that I can love my God with all my heart, all my mind, and all my soul. And in God’s provision of my love for Him, I will speak His love to those around me.

As I Struggle…

Each day I begin a struggle. A struggle to show the grace God has given me to my children. Each day I struggle to be the joyful mother God wants me to be. I find it hard to forget about what needs to be done or how it should be done, and just laugh. Just how do I win their hearts and at the same time teach the importance of accountability and diligence?

I struggle. I struggle with the fear that I am badgering rather than discipling. It is so easy to go a sway when both our children are at the age where we spend more time teaching them what NOT to do than what to do. It seems as if correction overrules praise most days. I know this is just a season. I know that I should not grow weary…for I will reap what I sow.

It really isn’t difficult for me to be a “Yes Mom.” We make lots of memories and I allow for messes…but is it enough? Do I send them the message of joy in all we do?

Ann Voskamp’s memory moves me because it has been and can be me at any moment when I choose to be selfish. She remembers:

“How I turned the last child’s light out that night and slumped down a door frame and how I cried quiet in the dark.

 The mother grief scalds the cheeks —  but what washes away the mother grime?

That night I knew it: I’ve become the parent I knew as a child. The one I looked straight in the face and fierce vowed I’d never be. But my ears ring with the echo of my voice, that voice: Can’t you see what a mess this is? How many times do I have to tell you? What were you thinking?”

I have read this probably close to five times…and each time tears flood to my eyes because each day I struggle…I struggle to remain patient and kind and to use only soft words…words that lift up and show grace.

Each day I pray that I will be a mother they love and they long for when I am not there…but is my heart’s desire seen in my actions? So today, I’ll struggle…I’ll struggle to be present… not only physically, but spiritually and mentally. Because…

“When I am present to the Presence of God meeting us in this moment, I am not worrying, I am not regretting, I am not chaffing, griping, fuming, fretting.

Be all here: and be holy.

Be all here: and be happy.

Because the Presence of I AM always fills the present moment.” ~ Ann Voskamp

Longing for God

“O God, You are my God;

Early will I seek You;

My soul thirsts for You;

My flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land

where there is no water.”

Psalm 63:1

How this passage speaks to me! My heart’s desire is to know God. I have the longing to know Him; yet, I am in this world where He often seems so hard to find. I search and I search. And then I find comfort…

“And those who know Your name

will put their trust in You;

For You, Lord, have not forsaken

Those who seek You.”

Psalm 9:10

What confidence to know that my continued seeking Him is a mark He has not forsaken me!

Broken at His Feet

As I spoke with a dear friend over lunch, we discussed the different stages and times of desire we have after God and His Word. She seemed to be in a place where I myself have walked so many times before. It is a place where God seems so far away. It is the place where you look at yourself and think, “How can I be of God?” As we spoke, I was able to recall the thoughts of those much wiser than I in the faith – in that, when we see how far we are from God, our only choice is to flee to the feet of Christ. It is when we think we are “OK” and “good” that we forget our need for a Savior. (Psalms 51:17)

Through the conversation, I remembered a time not long ago where I, too, was dealing with doubt. I recall spending the morning in His Word and being flooded with the thought, “Do I really believe this?” Because if we truly believed in His Word wouldn’t our lives look much different? Through the course of my reading that morning my heart began to cry out to God – for faith, for understanding. My mind could not comprehend how I am supposed to teach my children about Jesus if I am not sure about Jesus myself. And then I came to the conclusion, even if I spend the rest of my life in doubt and still lead them to Him… all the pain is worth it. Even if in the end I am reprobate but they know Jesus, it is all worth it.

Before I knew it that morning, I was scrambling to change diapers and prepare breakfast. My darling Nate called before I made my way to the table and I found more comfort in pouring my heart out to him. Over tears I told him of my doubts and my issues with faith and my cries out to God. And then God opened my eyes to something more that day… Here I am preparing and caring for my children and my home. There they are at my feet looking up at me. There they are watching me broken at the feet of Jesus. And that is when it dawned on me, when they see my brokenness…they do see what it means to believe in Jesus.

I pray for my dear friend that she sees His Spirit will send her on in perseverance.

"One mark of growth in grace is increased humility. The man whose soul is growing feels his own sinfulness and unworthiness more every year." - J. C. Ryle

Daughters of Virtue

I see beautiful, amazing, and godly young women all around me. I see the faithfulness of God in the lives of the daughters of friends who have raised them in the admonition of the Lord. I see modest young women, intelligent young women, and women much more prepared than I too be mothers and wives. I think of one such young lady, and I’m inclined to call her a “girl” because of the girls I’m accustomed to seeing in the world are just that…“girls” unprepared for the world. She is but nineteen or twenty and her beauty is amazing. Her inner beauty radiates from the inside out through her smile. Her eyes sparkle and you are drawn to her…because you know she is different. And as time goes on and you know this young lady you realize why she is different. Her father and mother have instilled her with godly principles and ideas of biblical womanhood. She is modest in her dress and speech, her diligence in work can be seen from afar, and her humility is plain.

I cannot help but think of my own self at that age. I think of the friends that walked with me through life and how if they saw me now, they could very much recognize me physically. But with a little time, they would find me not only changed but almost unrecognizable from the girl they once knew. Some could say it was the nature of life and that marriage and children took their natural course in my life. However, if they stay just a little longer, they will see it is so much more. My thinking has changed and my heart is completely new. I have truly become a new creature in Christ. I have been truly born from above. (John 1:13, 2 Corinthians 5:17)

Had I walked the earth during Jesus’ ministry, the Pharisees would have scolded Him for looking at me, speaking to me, and touching me. I would have sat at His feet and known that I was broken and in need of a Physician. I would have felt unworthy of being in His presence. However, with His great love, He would have touched my face and said, “Go, and sin no more.” (John 8, Psalm 99:5)

I can look back on my spiritual transformation and marvel at the work of God in my life. But then I take a step back and realize something about my own daughters. If we, like the parents above, instill in them a biblical worldview and godly principles, how will they ever know their need for Christ? If there is not a time in their lives where they can’t remember not knowing Christ, how will they keep from becoming like the Pharisees? Lord willing, we will in no way neglect our calling to raise our children in the admonition of the Lord. But, if each of my daughters never walk a road with sinners, how will she know that she sits just as unworthily at Jesus’ feet as I?

I declare my full guilt

I was reading earlier this week about a local politician involved in some legal and financial problems. Our family is acquainted with the man as he is quite involved in our neighborhood. Therefore, I had some personal interest in the story. Apparently, this individual took what is called the Alford Plea. An Alford Plea involves the person declaring his innocence but acknowledging the facts and evidence surrounding the case are enough for a judge and jury to declare the person’s guilt. The person will admit to some of the evidence in the case, but not to the act of the crime.

This was interesting to me as I had not heard of such a plea prior to this article. Upon pondering the situation at hand, I couldn’t help but think of how this relates to many Christians today. How many self-professing Christians actually understand the guilt of their trespass against God? How many have ever been broken over their sin? How many think they are pretty good people?

It’s almost as if they take the plea that says, “I know the evidence is against me, but because I’m a good person I still declare my innocence.” They are told their whole lives the story of God’s grace and their need for a Savior, but are never quite convinced the story is for them. Besides, they don’t drink…or have affairs…or murder or rape…or lie and steal. It’s as if they admit to the evidence of imperfection, but not to the crime of having a depraved nature.

With this lack of acknowledgment, the person may almost completely miss the gift of grace. Without the breaking conviction of sin, one does not realize the urgency of his need for Christ.

Let us examine ourselves to see that we have understanding of exactly why we need Him. Let us not be the men who say, “Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?” (Matthew 7:22) Let us understand our guilt before a righteous Judge. Let us deny our innocence and declare our wretchedness. Only when we come to this point will His righteousness be imputed to us.