Monday, January 3, 2011

As I Struggle…

Each day I begin a struggle. A struggle to show the grace God has given me to my children. Each day I struggle to be the joyful mother God wants me to be. I find it hard to forget about what needs to be done or how it should be done, and just laugh. Just how do I win their hearts and at the same time teach the importance of accountability and diligence?

I struggle. I struggle with the fear that I am badgering rather than discipling. It is so easy to go a sway when both our children are at the age where we spend more time teaching them what NOT to do than what to do. It seems as if correction overrules praise most days. I know this is just a season. I know that I should not grow weary…for I will reap what I sow.

It really isn’t difficult for me to be a “Yes Mom.” We make lots of memories and I allow for messes…but is it enough? Do I send them the message of joy in all we do?

Ann Voskamp’s memory moves me because it has been and can be me at any moment when I choose to be selfish. She remembers:

“How I turned the last child’s light out that night and slumped down a door frame and how I cried quiet in the dark.

 The mother grief scalds the cheeks —  but what washes away the mother grime?

That night I knew it: I’ve become the parent I knew as a child. The one I looked straight in the face and fierce vowed I’d never be. But my ears ring with the echo of my voice, that voice: Can’t you see what a mess this is? How many times do I have to tell you? What were you thinking?”

I have read this probably close to five times…and each time tears flood to my eyes because each day I struggle…I struggle to remain patient and kind and to use only soft words…words that lift up and show grace.

Each day I pray that I will be a mother they love and they long for when I am not there…but is my heart’s desire seen in my actions? So today, I’ll struggle…I’ll struggle to be present… not only physically, but spiritually and mentally. Because…

“When I am present to the Presence of God meeting us in this moment, I am not worrying, I am not regretting, I am not chaffing, griping, fuming, fretting.

Be all here: and be holy.

Be all here: and be happy.

Because the Presence of I AM always fills the present moment.” ~ Ann Voskamp


Jama said...

Please know that you are not alone, dear one. I think every Christian mother who is honest with herself and desires for her children to see Christ in her has felt the same way at times. I know I certainly do. One of my current prayers is for the Lord to help me enjoy my children more.

Remember that God is gracious and merciful to us. Our children do not see or recognize all of our shortcomings the way we do. When my oldest 2 were about 8 and 6, I asked them to make a list of things they thought I needed to do better. They could not come up with one thing. In all honesty they said, "You are the best mom ever!"

I know your little ones see the joy. They remember the fun and not the mess. They know that they are loved. We will spend all of our days trying to become more Christ like. We will never cross a finish like until we stand before Him. Until then continue clinging to Gal 5:9 and rest in his mercy and grace.

Ma ~ said...

What great thoughts! I also struggle with this stuff. I find myself being over harsh or critical and I think "why". The flesh is just so awful sometimes. It's so good that you are conscience of this now since it won't get any easier;)

Grateful for Grace said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog and for commenting! ;-)

This struggle is the biggest one in my parenting. I almost think it can become an idol for me (am I doing good enough to move their hearts). It's sooo hard. I'm so grateful to know His grace and know it applies even to my mothering.