Thursday, February 17, 2011

Will I Ever Learn…

Last night after I read stories and put the babies to bed, I recall the frustration I felt leaving their bedroom. I don’t know why I felt frustration. It was just my way of once again being angry that things and people and life don’t fit into my mold of how it all should be…once again my expectations grind against God’s way and His plans.

As I sat on the couch, I recall the intense desire to go back to their rooms and take each of them and hug them just a little longer and give them another kiss. My love for them is so large and I feel at that moment that I haven’t and couldn’t possibly convey it to them enough…maybe, just maybe, another hug and kiss would do it.

I get a second chance this morning and I stop what I’m doing and live in the moment, and hug her when I first see her face. It’s not long before life becomes an emergency again. She peers up at my necklaces and asks to wear one. I see them hanging there and realize the last one she wore is missing and bark orders that if I allow you to wear my necklaces you must bring them back to me.

As I’m helping her dress, I begin to feel the guilt and I say to her…

I hope one day you forgive me for being the first child. The child I have to learn how to be a good mommy with…” She listens. I continue, “I know one day though, you are going to be a very good mommy. What do you think it takes to be a good mommy, Lily?” And she simply turns around…and points to me.

She doesn’t see me when I fail…she just sees Mommy and love. I continue to believe Satan’s lie that I’m worthless and forget God’s grace and His promises. Will I ever have enough faith to stop trusting in myself and start trusting in Him?

7 comments:

Ma ~ said...

I had a similar moment with my first child recently. She is older (I think) but I do demand so much of her and she IS the practice kid.

I was a first child too, so I know how it is.

Crystal Mary said...

Your her special beautiful mummy and thats all she see's. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are human. Buy a cheap necklace and give it to her especially for her to wear. Tell her when she is finished wearing it she might like to put it with yours until next time.This will make her feel so important...No matter her age. Mothers and daughters are special. I am close to my mother, my daughters and granddaughters..
God Bless you,

Persis said...

Michelle,

Your post brings back memories of my own frustration and selfishness as a mom to a young child. Thank God He redeemed those discontented years. Perhaps the key is not that we don't fail, but how quickly we run to the cross when we do.

May God bless and encourage you.

Tracy said...

Love this!

Actually teared up as I read Lily's response to your question about what it takes to be a good mommy. Love truly does cover a multitude of transgressions.

Camille said...

How PRECIOUS!!! :)

Pamela said...

Unconditional love is so beautiful. As God's Word says, "A little child will lead them." I know her love has touched my own heart today. Thank you for sharing.

I'm a new follower. I'll be back...I saw some other posts I want to read when I have more time.

Saint Shellie said...

Oh Michelle, how I relate!! I have messed up royally with both of my 2 older boys so many times, too many times to count, but yet I agree whole heartedly with Persis, in that its how quickly we run to the Cross!!!

I had a similar moment with my first born when he was about 2 and a half, when I had just completely lost it with him. And while I was on the phone crying with a friend, seeking help, he was behind me stuffing tissues down the back of my shirt. And while I was listening to my friend consoling me, he fluffed a couple of the tissues out of my shirt, and said, "Look, mommy, you're an angel!!" And in that moment, I could see that he loved me anyway, unconditionally, even when I screwed up!!

I still have those days, but I do "run to the Cross!!"

Blessings,
Shellie
http://createdtobringhimglory.blogspot.com/ &
http://animperfecths.blogspot.com/