Last night after I read stories and put the babies to bed, I recall the frustration I felt leaving their bedroom. I don’t know why I felt frustration. It was just my way of once again being angry that things and people and life don’t fit into my mold of how it all should be…once again my expectations grind against God’s way and His plans.
As I sat on the couch, I recall the intense desire to go back to their rooms and take each of them and hug them just a little longer and give them another kiss. My love for them is so large and I feel at that moment that I haven’t and couldn’t possibly convey it to them enough…maybe, just maybe, another hug and kiss would do it.
I get a second chance this morning and I stop what I’m doing and live in the moment, and hug her when I first see her face. It’s not long before life becomes an emergency again. She peers up at my necklaces and asks to wear one. I see them hanging there and realize the last one she wore is missing and bark orders that if I allow you to wear my necklaces you must bring them back to me.
As I’m helping her dress, I begin to feel the guilt and I say to her…
“I hope one day you forgive me for being the first child. The child I have to learn how to be a good mommy with…” She listens. I continue, “I know one day though, you are going to be a very good mommy. What do you think it takes to be a good mommy, Lily?” And she simply turns around…and points to me.
She doesn’t see me when I fail…she just sees Mommy and love. I continue to believe Satan’s lie that I’m worthless and forget God’s grace and His promises. Will I ever have enough faith to stop trusting in myself and start trusting in Him?