Friday, December 25, 2009

A Blackberry Saved My Marriage

You read it right; a blackberry saved my marriage. Well, sort of. It has been three years this month since aliens babies took over my body and I haven’t had it back since. December 2006 I found out I was pregnant with Ms. Lil. When she was 10 months old I could see the end of nursing and the reclaiming of my body as my own. No such luck. Two more months of nursing and nine more months of pregnancy is what I faced. My body would not be mine…not just yet.

Now that we have reached the light at the end of the tunnel, Nate and I can look back and see what a chaotic road are marriage has taken for the past year. We reached points I never thought fathomable and today, I still cannot believe we were there. There were days when I just wanted to quit. There were days when I said, “I quit.” There were days we both were not sure if we would make it to the day our little boy was born, much less forever.

As the pregnancy surged on so did my hormones. I could see into the pregnancy that I would probably be at risk for postpartum depression. I was angry. As he dealt with my hormonal issues, Nate became more and more distant. The person I once could relate to became a mere body living in our home. He, too, went into a depression over the arrival of our new little one. His main focus was his daughter. His life revolved around her and he didn’t want someone else disrupting it. More than once I told him, “You know your going to have to love him, too.”

And sure enough, when the little man came, so did the depression. Looking back, I’m not sure if the depression was caused by exhaustion or if exhaustion caused the depression. Either way it was a hard, hard road. Not only was this road hard for us, but also we had to virtually face it alone. We knew we had to pick up the pieces because the thought of hurting the stability that little girl had crushed us.

We both went terribly wrong when “she” came before “us.” And then it was “they” came before “us.” We realized we were going to have to pull it together and something had to change. The first step was for me to get myself out of the funk. I needed more rest and some time for myself. Little man couldn’t quite figure out how to sleep so three or four times a night, I was up with him and up all day with her. Luckily for me, Nate stepped up and took JJ at night even when he had to work the next day. The marital bed had been split and so the two of them camped out in the family room. With him losing sleep and the state of our marriage, he too began to fall into a gloom. With all of this on our back, there were days, I lost it. I really lost it. If you are a woman who has dealt with postpartum depression, you know what I mean when I say, “I lost it.”

And then the blackberry came. Understand, when we decided for me to stay home, we made certain sacrifices and one of those was no Internet. With nearly all of my friends spread all over this little country I found very little time to communicate with them and when I said good-bye to my computer, I said good-bye to most of my friends. Not only that but my family is three hours away and his is over an hour away. (When I said we were at alone, I meant we were at it alone.) So, we decided to get back on board with the rest of the world and made some adjustments to make it possible. Nate bought me my very own shiny Storm. With this little contraption, I began to find myself again. I ventured out and reconnected with some long lost friends. Finding Michelle... swung into action and I finally had a way to let it all out. And not only did I reconnect with old friends, I found some new ones along the way.

As I nested myself back in with the rest of the world, my depression melted away. I found energy. My anger and resentment towards my husband was gone. Nate saw me happy again and that made him happy. We began to talk to each other instead of at each other. We began to realize we needed to be a priority, not only as individuals but also as partners in life. As that depression melted away, it was easier to step out the door. (Not easy with two babies in tow, just easier than the past few months!)

We use to always say we thought we loved each other more than other couples do. For several months and almost a year we couldn’t say that. I am so happy to say, we are there again and probably stronger.

As we were talking the other night, Nate said it may be a “mirage” but he thought we were doing pretty well. And then he said, “Thank God for Blackberry.”

I know I’m supposed to be getting into some theological stuff…but we laughed when he said this the other night and just knew I had to blog about it!

Note: That little man that wreaked so much havoc on our lives is such a blessing to not only both of us but everyone he is around. His smile can light up a room. He is truly a gift from God.


Amanda said...

Although I don't have a Blackberry, I don't know what I'd do without the web! Now my wonderful hubby got me a laptop for Christmas...still no internet at home, but I can get online at work and at college. I'm loving it already!

Tracy said...

Isn't God so good?! He blesses us in unexpected ways. I'm looking forward to continuing to read about Him working in your life.

I've noticed that it's in those REALLY hard times (the ones that we never knew it could get so bad) that we grow most. Even if we don't recognize that growth right away.

momstheword said...

I'm so glad you stopped by! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Nice to meet you!

How awesome of you to share so openly and honestly about what you've been through. That will be such a blessing to someone out there who is struggling too.

I remember after our second was born I was concerned because even though I loved him, it didn't feel quite as deep as with his older brother. That's just because he was so little and I didn't "know" him yet. Didn't know his personality or who he was!

I was so glad to eventually discover that I would love him as fiercely as I loved his brother. I was just so tired at first, as you well know.

If you don't mind, here is a link to a post I did on something we went through after our second was born. If you'd like to read it click here.

If you don't want the link on here feel free to delete my comment!

~ Nan

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

I am uaually against technology, but texting is amazing and it really does keep loved ones in touch.