Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Losing Michelle...

Can you say epiphany?! All great thoughts…happen in the shower. For all my bloggy pals and blog readers, I think about you all a lot. I think about what you’ve said and what I’ll say and what she said he said. Just ask my husband. He gets to hear about it.

So, I was in the shower today taking my sweet and merry time. JJ was in his swing hopefully going to sleep and Lily was in her bed hopefully continuing to sleep. If they weren’t sleeping, who cares! I’m in the shower! And we all know how I feel about showers, right?

Shall we go back to the thinking? I was thinking about some recent folks I have encountered (in real life as well as the blogosphere), blogs I have read, and goals Nate and I have for our family. For several weeks now, I have had the urge or felt the push to go towards a more theological approach to my blog. I just was not sure how or if it was too deep. I have readers from very different perspectives. There are Christians, believers, atheists, and even a pagan or two. (Yes, I term Christians and believers as two different things sometimes…more on that another day!) When I first started blogging, I did not follow many Christian blogs, or at least blogs that blogged about being a Christian. Through Tony C, I found Abundantly Living and Fire and Grace. And through Abundantly Living I found Psalm 104:24. I really enjoyed reading their blogs. They were really thought provoking and I wanted more. So, I journeyed out on a blog hop and found some other great blogs I mentioned a few days ago.

Anyhow. As I was showering, I thought to myself, “Where should Finding Michelle… go?” Wait a minute… let me take a detour.

If you recall, Tony C is whom I turned to when I decided to start a blog. (Read about that here. It's kind of funny!) And once again, his words echo in my head, “Your name is important. Take your time and think about it.” Well, geez, Tony! I don’t take my time for anything. If I get it in my head it’s done within a few hours if not minutes. Just ask Nate. He’ll tell you a story about how one day he was pressure washing the back deck, and when he turned around I had over half the rails knocked off. What can I say I wanted new deck railings! And then there is the time he came home and most of the carpet in the house had been ripped up and thrown out. Like I said, I’m not much of a time taker. Anyways, Finding Michelle…was fine for what I was going for. And still is…but back on track.

As I was showering, I thought to myself, “Where should Finding Michelle… go?” And then it all hit me. The purpose of this blog was to find myself outside motherhood. It was to be an outlet and a tracking of my journey to reclaim my identity. And in my head all I could hear was “deny self, deny self, deny self.” And then it all came together for me. Did God use motherhood as away for me to die and for Christ to live in me? When I became a mother, most if not all of my worldly affections were put aside. I let go of my image. And for a woman, her image cracks up to a lot of other worldly affections whether it be exercising, shopping, and/or other hobbies.

So here I am trying to find Michelle when I really need to be losing her.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 16:24-25


Tony C said...

I'm sure you wrote things after the part where you're thinking about me in the shower...but I hope there's not a quiz about it.

Epiphany...look at you! Nate must be teaching you new words.

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

Great post. You are so honest. I am a believer (my dad was a protestant pastor) I would say but being marrried to a Jew I spend a LOT of time thinking about faith and many faiths at that. I look forward to your observations!

Tina said...

I really enjoyed reading this post. I hope that you continue to find yourself and your purpose and let us know about it along the way. I agree that God makes us mothers for a reason, more than just growing the population. Motherhood has also changed my entire outlook on the world and where I am supposed to be in it, and what I am supposed to be doing. Although, I am still trying to work out the specifics!!! :)

Tracy said...

I certainly know that God has used motherhood as a way for me to die & let Christ be big in me. I find that there have not been any life experiences that have helped me stretch, grow, and change with regard to my deeply entrenched tendency toward selfishness (can I just call it sin?)more than those of being a mother and wife. Plus, in this role I routinely have times when I can't do it, I just don't have what it takes - so I have to come before God the broken woman that I am and experience the words of Jesus from Matthew 5:3 (MSG):

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

BTW-Looking forward to seeing/reading where God's taking you on this embarkment.

Amber said...

Michelle, I just love this post! It truly speaks to where so many moms are at. When I became a mom was when I first developed a "REAL" relationship with Christ, after attending church and being a "professed" christian most of my life. The fact of the matter is that parenting is as much for our growth as it is for our children (when done properly).
God works through parenting like nothing else. Nothing else has required me to sacrifice more, to make the tough decisions, to get my act together and to really evaluate what I allow into not only my home but my life!

As a side note, it's totally up to you, but I would love to read a little "deep theology" - I go through periods of deeper to shallow with my blog (just like my walk) but overall I love the freedom I have to get my thoughts out there, discuss them, and here other's opinions. My only caution would be this: be prepared! I have received some (only a few) nasty emails as well as emails from "concerned friends" who know me in real life and know where I stand and what my christian walk looks like, questioning where I was and IF I was walking the right path... all because of different theology beliefs. It has been painful, but it has also helped me to grow and to break some bonds of dependency (on specific friends and just the fear of what others thought of me) some I was aware of, some I was not.

Anyhow, I just wanted to give you a heads up while encouraging you - if it's time - IT'S TIME!

Good luck and God Bless!

Michelle said...

Thank you all you mommies for your words of encouragement and support!

Suzanne said...

Hi Michelle, I had a moment before heading off to the inlaws for Christmas Eve get together...I think it is so difficult to have a blog as an outreach.

My primary issues are what topics can you really put out there? My husband would be livid if I blogged about our marital woes (when we are having them) and he has not allowed to to post names of our kids or their pics. So how can you be authentic, when you only show a certain side?

I know many moms, who found all that stuff that I do unnecessary, but I've also heard from other moms about bad situations that have arisen from putting yourself out there (including your kids!)

As I've learned, there seems to be a fine line on all levels and that includes blogging.
I don't want to come off as a "happy mom with no problems and life is grand" because that is obviously a lie and yet, there is something to be said about being discreet about some personal issues...

So, I don't really know! I guess whenever I get a chance to share my struggles and how God gets me through it all, it's worth posting about, but there is so much more I would want to post about if I could. Anywho, my 2 cents! :) Have a Merry Christmas!

Michelle said...

We have really gone through a pretty intense "seperation" from family and friends due to our spiritual beliefs. That will probably play into my posts at some points. I believe that it's part of the persecution. (A very SMALL part of the persecution if you will, there are others out there dying for their beliefs!)

@Suzanne, I understand what you're saying about "putting it all out there." I'm not into blogging about my probs with my husband or anything like that. He knows all the things I write usually before I post them. He doesn't have a problem with me putting it all out there because he knows that I censor very well when it comes to personal issues. I would never post about being mad at my husband or this an that. I don't believe it's OK to put those things out there, especially in the heat of the moment. I don't have a problem putting pics and using names as most of my readers are family and friends. At this point in time, I'm not sure how it could really be a problem.

The topics I plan on discussing are theology and doctrinal topics more than anything. And how those things affect our family and relationships within and outside our family. I have pretty radical beliefs compared to the average "church attendee" when it comes to doctrinal issues and those are the things I want to talk about. I'm pretty authentic in my blog, what you see is what you get...but that's who I am in general.