Thursday, July 8, 2010

Doubting Michelle

My heart aches and I feel like David calling out to God through his psalms. I am at such a loss as to why in one “religion” there can be so many views and so many ways. I get so caught up sometimes in knowing Truth that at the end of the day I just want to throw up my hands and say, “I quit!”

As I sat here today and cried and prayed, I realized my heart and soul does not long for God for my own salvation but to know Him. I just simply want to know who He is. And on days like today, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and going nowhere. The moment I feel like I’m gaining traction, I slam into yet another wall.

I see facades of Christianity all around me. I see people that have walked the same path for years never questioning why they are on the road they are on…even if it’s the path that leads to destruction. I hear and see of this supernatural spirituality that just does not happen to me or seem real to me. I beg God to open my eyes and to let me see Him.

I just want to give up. I want to close The Book and walk away. But then I try to imagine my life without Him, and I realize without Him it would all fall apart. As I cry out to Him in prayer, He calls back in my mind and says, “There is a way that seems right to man…” And then it’s gone. I have to literally look the scripture up to see if it is scripture. “There is a way that seems right to man, But its end is the way of death.” Proverbs 16:25.

I have no idea why this scripture came to mind during this time of prayer. I have never memorized this scripture; and for that matter, God has never really spoke to me this way. And as I sit here writing this, I think maybe it is God’s way of telling me I’m relying more on man than God to get me to the right path...


Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

I am beginning to love your heart, girl. There are some things it seems He has chosen to leave us in the dark about. I have come to the conclusion that that's what trusting Him really is.

I believe when we get to heaven, and really get to listen to Him face to face, every single one of us is going to be surprised at how much we didn't understand in this life. Not one of us could possibly have it ALL correct.

Who can understand His ways?

You just keep your eyes on the prize, sister. That is Jesus Christ Himself, magnified and glorified in your life. You'll stay on the right path. :-)

Tracy said...

I'm reminded of one of my favorite Bible passages from Isaiah 55:8-9:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Sometimes we just don't understand it all.

Know that I'm praying for you Michelle.

Sarah : ) said...

I'm praying for you, that God would give you His wisdom and peace. I've felt that way many times, too, and I think we should be grieved over false teaching and people being led astray. However, we must remember that knowledge of God can only come from God, and so does discernment and salvation. Nothing can be known or understood apart from His granting it, and sometimes He holds some knowledge back for a time. I think that's part of sanctification. After all, there are things I know and understand now about Scripture that I couldn't before, and I think God wants us to know just how dependent we are on Him even for understanding. As far as seeing others led astray, we must never stop praying that God would give them discernment and open their eyes to His truth. We also must live out the truth faithfully and most importantly in love. "Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal."-1 Corinthians 13:1. "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."-James 1:5
Be encouraged, and rest in His goodness and righteousness, perfect love, and infinite wisdom and power. He will be your strength.
"Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God [is] the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever."-Psalm 73:25-26