Thursday, July 15, 2010

The First to Break My Heart

You were the first man to ever break my heart. I’ve spent years trying to learn how to let go of you, but only end up clinging to you with all I have. I know if I let go, than you’re probably gone. I’ve seen you walk away too many times to think otherwise.

When I was a little girl your presence could light up my world. As I grew older, how I longed for you to smile at me and with me. I lived each and every day in denial. In my world there was hope that you were the person who loved me just as much as I wanted you to. Now as an adult, I still fight to let go of the person who is not there…and never was. My hope in you will not fade no matter how many times you break my heart.

It wasn’t long before our roles reversed. Instead of the king embracing the princess, the princess had to carry the king. Each and every time you fall, I am the first there to pick you up. And no matter how far I carry you, I am just an inch short of what you want and it is all in vain.

I am thirty-one now and you are still breaking my heart. My children have seen me cry and sob too many times when you have hurt me. As I try again to contemplate letting go, I ask my prince if I will have to deal with the pain the rest of my life? Will the heartache of not having you although you are alive ever go away?

The children are in the next room playing as I stand at the sink and clean up from lunch. They don’t hear me as I turn my back to the sink and bury my face into a towel and just sob because I hurt so much. I return to the sink and the sound of a little voice catches my attention. I look up to see two faces in the other room looking at me. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”

It’s OK, Baby. Somebody just hurt Mommy’s heart.”

And she says, “Oh. You want to play cards, Mommy?”

Of course, I do.”

The pain may never go away and this may be a battle I fight until you are gone. But, I have my own prince and princess now. And there is a King in my life that will never forsake me. And my hope in Him will get me through this.


Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

I'm so sorry, my sweet friend. I wish I could hug you tightly right now. Sometimes human nature can be so ugly and selfish; and it hurts the most when it comes from those who are supposed to love you the most.

Even though I've never even looked you in the eyes yet, I can still promise you that his reactions and responses (or lack thereof) to you could not have had a thing to do with you. This only happens because of a messed up heart, not ever because of the child involved. Never. You have always been worthy of the love you never felt.

Nestle yourself in the bosom of our Father, the only perfect Father who can comfort such depth of pain. He is far more real than the earthly father you have longed for.

You know this already, you said it yourself, He will never leave you. And the amazing thing is He offers a love we could never be worthy of! But He gives it freely. That's true love, my dear. The real deal.

-:-Chanin-:- said...

Michelle, what a beautiful but sad post. I know too well the pain of rejection not only from my father but from my husband as well. May your Heavenly father fill your heart with comfort and peace. Blessings, Chanin

J.Rat. said...

Grace and peace go with you, and may you intentionally lose a game of cards to see the smile you brought to your own deeply beloved children's faces.

Tony C said...

Good thing for all dads to read.

I know you will break the cycle with your children because they are growing up in a Christ-centered home filled with love and encouragement.

I will pray for your dad and hope he comes to realize what he is missing before it's too late. I'd love to meet up with him and let him know just how proud he should be of his little girl...

Tracy said...

Oh Michelle, my heart goes out to you. I pray for you.

I rejoice that, as Tony mentions, you are not repeating those same patterns in your family. From what you've said previously, I know that you have a wonderful husband who loves you and your children.

You're written this so beautifully, and straight from your heart. I know that there are many who can relate to your words here. I'm with Tony is both wishing that dads would read this and glimpse what it is sadly sometimes like for a daughter, as well as pray that God would do the miraculous and redeem and transform your dad's heart.