The Duties of Marriage

A quote by Puritan Richard Baxter from A Christian Directory, cited by J.I. Packer in A Quest for Godliness: The Puritan Vision of the Christian Life.

“I pray you, next tell me my duty to my wife and hers to me.

The common duty of husband and wife is,

1. Entirely to love each other; and therefore choose one that is truly lovely…; and avoid all things that tend to quench your love.

2. To dwell together, and enjoy each other, and faithfully join as helpers in the education of their children, the government of the family, and the management of their worldly business.

3. Especially to be helpers of each other’s salvation: to stir up each other to faith, love, and obedience, and good works: to warn and help each other against sin, and all temptations; to join in God’s worship in the family, and in private: to prepare each other for the approach of death, and comfort each other in the hopes of life eternal.

4. To avoid all dissensions, and to bear with those infirmities in each other which you cannot cure: to assuage, and not provoke, unruly passions; and, in lawful things, to please each other.

5. To keep conjugal chastity and fidelity, and to avoid all unseemly and immodest carriage [conduct] with another, which may stir up jealousy; and yet to avoid all jealousy which is unjust.

6. To help one another to bear their burdens (and not by impatience to make them greater). In poverty, crosses, sickness, dangers, to comfort and support each other. And to be delightful companions in holy love, and heavenly hopes and duties, when all other outward comforts fail.”

A special Happy Anniversary to my sister and brother-in-law on their five year anniversary!

And a happy birthday to my own beloved…

Our Lucky Love Day

If I were one to believe in luck over God’s Providence…this would be one of those times. What better day to experience the Luck o’ the Irish than on St. Patrick’s Day? Eight years ago today, I met my love for the first time. I often go back to that meeting and sit in awe of God’s handy work.

Just the other morning when my alarm went off, I heard this song for the first time. Rather than rolling over and hitting the “off” button, I just stayed there and listened because it really did take me back to that place, to that time, to those first few weeks and months.

I’ve  explained our story. I’ve explained that the week Nate and I met was the same week doctors found he had a brain tumor… in a place where even a biopsy would’ve been risky. He opted for me to “get out now” but I wouldn’t go that easy. Within days, God was molding us to be a part of each other forever. I would not go.

We would be going to MRIs, CTs, and doctor visit after doctor visit. And then…it was gone. Just like that, no more tumor. No chemo, no operation, not even the risky biopsy. Just when the CT was being completed to figure out how they were going to go in…it was gone.

The next several months were spent following up. The next several years were spent dealing with the fears. He would often wake me up at night because he felt a knot on his body or something just was not right. I wish I could go back and be more sympathetic because I can’t imagine the things that he went through…the fear he had when his life was almost over and then suddenly he miraculously had it back?

God eventually gave him peace about his anxieties. And Nate showed me he wouldn’t let go either. Through heart break after heart break and through one of the most emotionally draining times of my life, he stood by my side. He held me when I couldn’t stand and led me when I thought one of the most important people in my life was on the verge of death. He continues to hold me and walk by me through heart break, through stressed days, through not being enough… and at the end of the day, in some small way he assures me I am enough.

Happy “Day We Met” Anniversary, to my love…

Why Order Is Important

“…that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.” Titus 2: 4-5

“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” Proverbs 14:1

Growing up and several years into womanhood, homemaking was not on my agenda. Even as a Christian, I did not understand this was God’s role for me in His plan. I still receive chuckles from old friends and family when they see who I am now compared to what I was then. I believe more than anything, it saddens me at all the years I wasted peddling my time to trivial matters of the world when I could have been working on my calling based on God’s Word. But, my excuse…nobody told me!

I see young ladies all around me preparing for marriage with no knowledge of how to care for a home and family. They are in the same situation I was in and sometimes worse. Because I lived on my own for several years before marriage, I at least knew how to care for a home and a few basic meals. At a very early age I learned the responsibilities of housework because my both my parents were away working. But there is something much different between checking off the to-do list and putting your heart and soul into a home for the glory of God. “If anyone speaks, let him speak as the oracles of God. If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 4:11. The word “minister” means “to serve.” As I serve my husband and children daily, my prayer each day and each night is that God be glorified in the work of my hands.

So, what does all this have to do with order and calmness? Well, I imagine our life without order. I imagine our life where the children make their own schedules and run free with no obedience or boundaries. I imagine that the work I do, if any, is immediately done in vain as my children run about with no instruction or understanding of what is acceptable behavior. I imagine that because of this, I become stressed. Not only do I become irritated by the building chaos but also I snap and yell at my children. My husband comes home from a hard day at work to clutter and disorganization. He must wait on his dinner. In his hunger and frustration from a hard day, he becomes irritated because now it is up to him to try to gain control. He becomes angry with me for not maintaining control and of course, my response to him is one of harshness and not love. I believe I may have just described most homes in America…with or without fathers.

However, this is not the vision God has for us. God calls us wives to allow our husbands to see our beauty inside… “rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3:4. The above scenario does not lean towards a quiet and gentle spirit, at least for me it does not.

Order, calmness, and routine in our home and with our children allow us to have peace in a chaotic world. When husbands and wives, fathers and sons, and daughters and mothers are turning against each other…let us turn towards each other. (Malachi 4:6) I challenge you to follow God’s plan and lay down your own needs and frustrations and serve your family with the joy of the Lord.

The Home Series

Order in the Home

A Taste of Home

Why Order Is Important

The Piece That Holds It All Together- upcoming

To My Beloved Boss

For your birthday, what better form of expression than publicly announcing my love for you? (And you say I’m not affectionate. Psfft!) I have so much to be thankful for as we celebrate another day together. Our marriage is yet another sign of God’s grace on His children. I am often times so undeserving of your love and yet you continue to be an amazing husband and father.

Thank you for being my companion. Thank you for being my best friend…my ear when I need to talk…my shoulder when I need to cry. My guide when I am on the wrong path. The one who reminds me when I forget who I am without Christ. Thank you for coming home every night to your family. Thank you for always wanting to hug me even when I don’t want to hug back. Thank you for always giving the kids a bath so I clean the kitchen. Thank you for going to work every day and providing for our family. Thank you for being the security that I have longed for my entire life. Thank you for always bringing me drinks at nighttime when I am exhausted and just want to kick up my feet. Thank you for calling me during the day so I always know we are on your mind. And most of all thank you for humbly leading our home.

On your birthday, you should be receiving all the gifts…but is us who is blessed most of all. We love you…(all four of us!)

Where you die, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part you and me. Ruth 1:17

I need 32, 000 soldiers…

Have you ever wondered why you just can’t get it all together? I mean, why are there always more things to check off the to-do list? The house is never clean enough. The lawn always needs mowed. There is that other load of laundry that needs to be washed and for that matter, all the laundry needs to be put away. Nate’s clothes need to be pressed on Fridays. I need to run, too. And more importantly, am I in the Word enough? Have I prayed with the children today? Am I being consistent with the discipleship they need? Oh wait, I was reminded today that my child’s behavior might be a reflection of my behavior. Am I respecting and submitting to my husband the way I should to be an example for them?
I have this vision of the “Perfect Mom.” You know, the one whose home is immaculate with a side of fresh chicken salad and fresh baked bread for company that might pop in. The one who just baked extra food for Sister So-and-So because she is having a rough time with this pregnancy. It is a vision of the mother whose children follow like ducklings at the very sound of her soft, gentle voice. It is the one who knows when her neighbor is in need and is there to provide whatever she can to be a witness for His kingdom. I think it’s the vision of the woman found in Proverbs 31. I’m pretty sure that’s her. Have you seen her, too?
As I have this vision I’m reminded of Gideon and the Midianites. Gideon was prepared and ready for war with his 32, 000 soldiers; but God said, “No.” God said that was too many people. Why? “…lest Israel claim glory for itself against Me, saying, ‘My own hand has saved me.’” God weeded them out, all the way down to 300. That’s a big difference there Gideon.
And that is when the light shines through. I’m just beginning this journey of true biblical womanhood. If God allowed me to be “perfect” without tribulation, affliction, and trials, it would be so easy for the root of pride to neglect God’s grace and to take the credit and glory for what “I” have accomplished. I remember when I was pregnant with Lily and I professed to my family my desire for four children. My mother commented that I would never have four children because I couldn’t handle it. My sinful pride thought, “Well, I’ll show her.” At the time, my desire for four children was more so I could have a big kitchen table. God, however, changed that desire from four children around a kitchen table to a desire to create an army for Him. And you know what else He changed? I realized my mother was right! I can’t handle it by myself. But praise God that through Him and by Him I can! I may not be the “perfect” mom, but by His grace I will fold each sock, dry each dish, kiss each boo-boo, and hug my husband for His glory and His glory alone.

“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

A Blackberry Saved My Marriage

You read it right; a blackberry saved my marriage. Well, sort of. It has been three years this month since aliens babies took over my body and I haven’t had it back since. December 2006 I found out I was pregnant with Ms. Lil. When she was 10 months old I could see the end of nursing and the reclaiming of my body as my own. No such luck. Two more months of nursing and nine more months of pregnancy is what I faced. My body would not be mine…not just yet.

Now that we have reached the light at the end of the tunnel, Nate and I can look back and see what a chaotic road are marriage has taken for the past year. We reached points I never thought fathomable and today, I still cannot believe we were there. There were days when I just wanted to quit. There were days when I said, “I quit.” There were days we both were not sure if we would make it to the day our little boy was born, much less forever.

As the pregnancy surged on so did my hormones. I could see into the pregnancy that I would probably be at risk for postpartum depression. I was angry. As he dealt with my hormonal issues, Nate became more and more distant. The person I once could relate to became a mere body living in our home. He, too, went into a depression over the arrival of our new little one. His main focus was his daughter. His life revolved around her and he didn’t want someone else disrupting it. More than once I told him, “You know your going to have to love him, too.”

And sure enough, when the little man came, so did the depression. Looking back, I’m not sure if the depression was caused by exhaustion or if exhaustion caused the depression. Either way it was a hard, hard road. Not only was this road hard for us, but also we had to virtually face it alone. We knew we had to pick up the pieces because the thought of hurting the stability that little girl had crushed us.

We both went terribly wrong when “she” came before “us.” And then it was “they” came before “us.” We realized we were going to have to pull it together and something had to change. The first step was for me to get myself out of the funk. I needed more rest and some time for myself. Little man couldn’t quite figure out how to sleep so three or four times a night, I was up with him and up all day with her. Luckily for me, Nate stepped up and took JJ at night even when he had to work the next day. The marital bed had been split and so the two of them camped out in the family room. With him losing sleep and the state of our marriage, he too began to fall into a gloom. With all of this on our back, there were days, I lost it. I really lost it. If you are a woman who has dealt with postpartum depression, you know what I mean when I say, “I lost it.”

And then the blackberry came. Understand, when we decided for me to stay home, we made certain sacrifices and one of those was no Internet. With nearly all of my friends spread all over this little country I found very little time to communicate with them and when I said good-bye to my computer, I said good-bye to most of my friends. Not only that but my family is three hours away and his is over an hour away. (When I said we were at alone, I meant we were at it alone.) So, we decided to get back on board with the rest of the world and made some adjustments to make it possible. Nate bought me my very own shiny Storm. With this little contraption, I began to find myself again. I ventured out and reconnected with some long lost friends. Finding Michelle... swung into action and I finally had a way to let it all out. And not only did I reconnect with old friends, I found some new ones along the way.

As I nested myself back in with the rest of the world, my depression melted away. I found energy. My anger and resentment towards my husband was gone. Nate saw me happy again and that made him happy. We began to talk to each other instead of at each other. We began to realize we needed to be a priority, not only as individuals but also as partners in life. As that depression melted away, it was easier to step out the door. (Not easy with two babies in tow, just easier than the past few months!)

We use to always say we thought we loved each other more than other couples do. For several months and almost a year we couldn’t say that. I am so happy to say, we are there again and probably stronger.

As we were talking the other night, Nate said it may be a “mirage” but he thought we were doing pretty well. And then he said, “Thank God for Blackberry.”

I know I’m supposed to be getting into some theological stuff…but we laughed when he said this the other night and just knew I had to blog about it!

Note: That little man that wreaked so much havoc on our lives is such a blessing to not only both of us but everyone he is around. His smile can light up a room. He is truly a gift from God.

When Just A Hug Is Not Enough

Let me start by saying, I have a wonderful husband. There is absolutely nothing I should complain about. (Note: I said should, not that I actually don’t complain. There are several things I complain about on a daily basis, but that does not mean I should.) My darling husband loves to hug and touch. Those who truly know me know I’m not much of a touchy-feely type person. It takes awhile for me to warm up. Granted, after six years of marriage I’ve warmed up to hugging, but just a hug is not enough for my big guy.

It’s a family thing. The first time I met Nate’s family was a true initiation. I thought I would be meeting his parents and grandparents for a Wednesday evening at church. Little did I know, Granny lives BY the church and every person in the immediate as well as extended family either attend the church or go to Granny’s to eat after church. And every one of those people, like to hug… whether they know you or not. I felt as if I was in an episode of the twilight zone. (Honestly, I sometimes still feel like I’m in an episode of the twilight zone.) My discomfort level at that moment was off the charts. I’ve managed to accept the hugging over the years. Now after Sunday dinner or cookouts, I can handle hugs. Sometimes though, I can manage to sneak away with only a couple.

Let us get back to Nate’s hugs. I like hugs. Quick hugs. Nate, however, I swear would stand in one spot hugging me for hours. I have no idea how he manages to block everything going on around him to enjoy that moment. I wish I could do that, not just with hugs, but also in every moment.

This is the story of our hugs. Nate comes by and grabs me, usually when I’m washing dishes, cooking, or cleaning something, anything. Heck, JJ could be hanging upside down off the changing table and he would want a hug. So, I hug him because I know this makes him happy. I’m ready to move on and he continues to hug. So, I stay to give him a little more of what he needs. Meanwhile, my brain is racing as I look around. I see Lily about to conk JJ in the head with a hard object, JJ is crying because he needs a diaper change, I have a little time and I still need to fold some laundry, finish these dishes, and the pasta is boiling over! Oh dear God, I could even be going to the bathroom to pee right now! He continues to hold on!! I KNOW he is doing this because he can sense how antsy I am right now!

Antsy or not, I have a problem. I’ve forgotten how to live in the moment. I don’t know how to realize that the kids aren’t dying and the chores can be done tomorrow. Or even in 30 seconds, because really, even though the hug seems like an eternity, it’s probably not even a minute. This is my mommy problem. I’m so caught up in order that I can’t stop to appreciate what is around me. There’s always something to do and even that few seconds is too much for me to spare. I have a great husband, who most women would love to have, but mommyhood comes first and being a wife comes last. And I know for my babies AND my husband, it would be best if I moved that wife thing up to the front, at least a little…

Um… this was supposed to be about the funny awkwardness of our hugs. I apologize for the change in tone it underwent! I guess when we try to laugh at ourselves we sometimes see the truth.