A Blackberry Saved My Marriage

You read it right; a blackberry saved my marriage. Well, sort of. It has been three years this month since aliens babies took over my body and I haven’t had it back since. December 2006 I found out I was pregnant with Ms. Lil. When she was 10 months old I could see the end of nursing and the reclaiming of my body as my own. No such luck. Two more months of nursing and nine more months of pregnancy is what I faced. My body would not be mine…not just yet.

Now that we have reached the light at the end of the tunnel, Nate and I can look back and see what a chaotic road are marriage has taken for the past year. We reached points I never thought fathomable and today, I still cannot believe we were there. There were days when I just wanted to quit. There were days when I said, “I quit.” There were days we both were not sure if we would make it to the day our little boy was born, much less forever.

As the pregnancy surged on so did my hormones. I could see into the pregnancy that I would probably be at risk for postpartum depression. I was angry. As he dealt with my hormonal issues, Nate became more and more distant. The person I once could relate to became a mere body living in our home. He, too, went into a depression over the arrival of our new little one. His main focus was his daughter. His life revolved around her and he didn’t want someone else disrupting it. More than once I told him, “You know your going to have to love him, too.”

And sure enough, when the little man came, so did the depression. Looking back, I’m not sure if the depression was caused by exhaustion or if exhaustion caused the depression. Either way it was a hard, hard road. Not only was this road hard for us, but also we had to virtually face it alone. We knew we had to pick up the pieces because the thought of hurting the stability that little girl had crushed us.

We both went terribly wrong when “she” came before “us.” And then it was “they” came before “us.” We realized we were going to have to pull it together and something had to change. The first step was for me to get myself out of the funk. I needed more rest and some time for myself. Little man couldn’t quite figure out how to sleep so three or four times a night, I was up with him and up all day with her. Luckily for me, Nate stepped up and took JJ at night even when he had to work the next day. The marital bed had been split and so the two of them camped out in the family room. With him losing sleep and the state of our marriage, he too began to fall into a gloom. With all of this on our back, there were days, I lost it. I really lost it. If you are a woman who has dealt with postpartum depression, you know what I mean when I say, “I lost it.”

And then the blackberry came. Understand, when we decided for me to stay home, we made certain sacrifices and one of those was no Internet. With nearly all of my friends spread all over this little country I found very little time to communicate with them and when I said good-bye to my computer, I said good-bye to most of my friends. Not only that but my family is three hours away and his is over an hour away. (When I said we were at alone, I meant we were at it alone.) So, we decided to get back on board with the rest of the world and made some adjustments to make it possible. Nate bought me my very own shiny Storm. With this little contraption, I began to find myself again. I ventured out and reconnected with some long lost friends. Finding Michelle... swung into action and I finally had a way to let it all out. And not only did I reconnect with old friends, I found some new ones along the way.

As I nested myself back in with the rest of the world, my depression melted away. I found energy. My anger and resentment towards my husband was gone. Nate saw me happy again and that made him happy. We began to talk to each other instead of at each other. We began to realize we needed to be a priority, not only as individuals but also as partners in life. As that depression melted away, it was easier to step out the door. (Not easy with two babies in tow, just easier than the past few months!)

We use to always say we thought we loved each other more than other couples do. For several months and almost a year we couldn’t say that. I am so happy to say, we are there again and probably stronger.

As we were talking the other night, Nate said it may be a “mirage” but he thought we were doing pretty well. And then he said, “Thank God for Blackberry.”

I know I’m supposed to be getting into some theological stuff…but we laughed when he said this the other night and just knew I had to blog about it!

Note: That little man that wreaked so much havoc on our lives is such a blessing to not only both of us but everyone he is around. His smile can light up a room. He is truly a gift from God.

My Husband Left Friday

I can honestly say I knew what I had before it was gone. Did that make sense? What I’m trying to say is the opposite of “you never know what you had until it’s gone.” I’m talking about dear ol’ Nate, my bubby, my Nay-Nay. This has been one LONG weekend without him. I’ve had a great opportunity to reflect on all the reasons I love him being around.

Before this weekend, I knew all of this. And before this weekend, I have tried my best to never take it for granted. My Nay-Nay is a rare catch and I’m so happy to call him my own.

It all started Friday. We had plans to go to his mom and dad’s for dinner with the babies. At 1:00PM it started to snow, but no big deal, plans were still on. By 3:30PM, plans were off. At 5:15PM, he called to say he was not coming home and I knew what that meant. He works for the local electric company and when the weather gets yucky, they are there to make sure folks are getting their power back on. And when it snows, that means it could take days. On Friday, I knew it might be Monday before I saw him again…and it almost is just that. He got to come home Saturday morning for a quick nap and was back to work at 2PM, home at midnight, back out by 7A, and still not home. Luckily, he works in the office. The guys actually working out in the field don’t go home at all until the power is back on. Enough of that…the blog is about him not his work!

I “aggravated-ly” missed him Friday when I had to rush to get the kids fed, the dog in out of the snow, the dog cage cleaned out, and the kids ready for bed all alone. (Thankfully, my neighbor came to hang with the kids while I got the dog and all his “stuff.”) I missed him with my heart Saturday evening when I was cutting up their spaghetti. It was an “awww…” moment.

You see, he is so my partner when it comes to the kids. When he comes home I have dinner ready. He helps fix the plates and get everyone at the table. (And he always cuts up the spaghetti for them just right.) After dinner, he plays with the kids while I clean up. And when I nurse and put JJ to bed, my Nay-Nay is there to hang with Lily. Then, while I clean up toys in the family room, he gives her a bath and puts her to bed. Not to mention all the things he fetches for me and catches for me while I run my evening routine. On the weekends, which this was, he also cooks breakfast and lets me chill with the babies; something I never do during the week because of my morning routine. If we don’t go out, he also will cook lunch or dinner AND clean most of the mess.


Needless to say, some things got left behind this weekend. My normal cleaning routine was a little skewed because if I did all I normally do, a two-year old and an 8 month old might as well have taken care of themselves! Cleaning the kitchen took longer because my Brutus thinks he has to climb on everything. As a result, in between the cleaning of each dish I was fetching a screaming baby from wherever he just fell from. I swear, the bruises on either side of his head are making way for his horns. I am so lucky that my two year old is completely self-entertaining and calm. She would quietly play while I got the baby ready for bed every night. She got stuck with Mommy for bath and bedtime. We would say our prayers for the lineman out working and all the people without power. Tonight, I had to make up a song about Jesus and Daddy helping people that were cold. How funny!

Once she was in bed each night, it came to the time that is supposed to be ours, but he wasn’t here. It was lonely both day and night. Even when he works during the week, we still eat lunch together every day and talk on the phone several times. There was none of that. My companion was gone and I was lonely. At night when he is home, mostly the TV is on and I’m on the computer, but we’re still there together. We talk about TV, blogs, God, family, what irks us, and the small things that made us happy that day. We talk about our relationship and the kids and what we need to work on to be godlier as a family.

And that’s what I’ve missed the most, our talks. We talk about everything. He listens to my jabber even when he has nothing to say. He listens about my day and what so and so said and what so and so wrote in a blog and what happened at gymnastics and what I read that day. He listens because he knows how important it is for me to get it all out of my head.

And to drive the point home, today he told me, “I’m surrounded by all these people here, but I feel so lonely because I’m not with you all.”

And in 45 minutes, he’ll be home. Thank you, God. I’ve really missed him.

Reflections of Parenting, Part 2

When I first began debating the option between staying in the workforce or going home to take care of my family, I found this article that was supposedly in Good Housekeeping in the 50s. (I really think this is a hoax…BUT…) It was called the Good Wife’s Guide and you can see a copy of it here or look it up. Believe it or not, I more or less subscribed to this philosophy. Well, there are few exceptions and it does make me laugh a little. It was against everything I was raised to believe, but it was what I felt was tried and true to help a relationship survive. I had no problem with showing my husband that he was important to me. Fast-forward that two years and here I am, a micromanaging, mother-first kind of person. Well, I’ve been working on that and you’ll see how throughout this post.

Going back to Rosemond. (Remember, Parenting by The Book?) His chapter on Parenting as One Flesh really brought me backs to the day when I said I was going to be the retro-housewife and the June Cleaver of 2007. After explaining how parents’ roles have changed due to what he calls Postmodern Psychological Parenting, Rosemond gets into the mother of the 50s compared to the mother today. The mother of the 50s just like the article said, was a wife first, parent second. Before Dad came home, mother would have tidied up not only the home, but also herself. The goal was to make sure Dad came home to the woman he married, not the housekeeper or his children’s mother. The relationship between husband and wife came first. He refers to creating a boundary around the marriage and the marital bed. With this being done, the parents operate with one mind when it comes to parenting issues. Now, however, parents are more likely to be one flesh with their children. (Leading to the so-called helicopter parenting I spoke of in Part 1.)

And, just a side note, look at how the role of the father has changed on television. Since the Cosby’s, what father have you seen that wasn’t portrayed as bumbling bafoon? With my sarcastic nature, I have realized how others could assume I do not respect my husband. This is something I have had to get in check. I have also made a conscious decision to NEVER allow someone to refer to my husband as my third child. He is not a child. He is the leader of this home.

When Rosemond started referring to “Til Children Do Us Part,” I could totally relate. He explained that a lot of couples become child centered after having babies. They pay more attention to the children than they do each other. Basically, they do all things with their children more than they do with each other. I felt, especially after one pregnancy, getting pregnant when I was still nursing and had a baby on my hip, nine more months of pregnancy, and a very difficult three months of depression after JJ, we were not going to make it. If we weren’t there already, we were definitely on our way to becoming two fleshes. The kids were the reason we were together; but then again, if had not been for the kids, we may not have had the problems we were dealing with. It was especially hard for me with the constant hormonal changes. It took a lot of soul searching and a lot of letting go of the babies to turn to each other again. Thank God we are there and willing to go even further if we have to. (Remember Mommy’s Day Out?)

I breathed a sigh of relief when I reached Rosemond’s explanation of “seasons” of childhood. It was a relief to know we were still in the Season of Service. My job was to be “checking, feeding, carrying, changing, comforting, fixing, fetching, and so on…” And good ol’ Nate was to be there to be my “parenting aide” to get through this season. It would have been comforting to understand that before all the problems! We are heading out of this season with one and still hanging in there with the other. For us, I think the major problem was when we were in the Season of Service with TWO at the same time. We were both emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. I also feel comfort now that Lily is heading out of the season of service; I am beginning to gradually introduce her to the fact that I’m not her servant for life.

It’s going to be hard in this world. The new “good mother” is to serve her child for life. I was just explaining to Nate how judged I would be for trying to instill independence at an early age with so many mothers going above and beyond the call of duty for their older children. I am ready to face whatever to increase the possibilities of having a child who becomes a caring, productive adult with God at the center of his/her life.

For those who don’t know, my thoughts of parenting have always been in line with John Rosemond’s, even before I read anything he wrote. I enjoy reading what he writes because it helps me to understand application a little more and I just love reading about parenting. To each his own, right?

How about you? How many of you feel your vows should have been replaced with “Til children do us part”?