You said WHAT to my child?!

Dear “Girl That May or May Not Still Work at Food City,”

Our encounter last night was a first for me. I was quite taken back by what you said. Those who knew me before will know how He has changed me by how I responded to you. They know what the old me would have done.

I really just grinned and nodded as you kept prodding my children about Christmas. I nodded in assurance to my shy little girl as you kept asking her about Santa and all the wonderful gifts he will be bringing her. See, you don’t know that she has reached the age where she is at the same time in awe and yet, confused about this strange man who Mommy says is not real. You didn’t know she was conflicted on how to answer you. But even though you didn’t know all these things, you shouldn’t have said what you did. When I politely told you we don’t do Santa at our house, you should have said what everyone else does, “Oh, OK.” But you didn’t, you chose to ask my daughter why not. And when she said, “He isn’t real,” you placed yourself in a bad situation with your response. You told my daughter I was a liar. That’s what you said to her when you looked her in the eye and said, “Oh yes he is!”

And that is when I gently placed my hand on her back and walked away.

You see, we serve a King who I believe is sickened by this charade called Santa Claus. Because my King, is the only one who knows who has been bad or good… (There is none good, no not one. Romans 3:10) We teach our children it is the righteousness of Another that makes them good before God. This King doesn’t think it is OK to lie. Ever. Even if it is just fun and harmless. He is Holy …always…so do you really think He says, “Ah, they’re just having fun, it's Ok to lie this time.” This King doesn’t like to share His glory with anyone or anything else…probably because nothing could possibly hold a candle to His greatness. So, we serve another God and not the god of Santa Claus and mammon that this holiday is so smothered in.

I would appreciate it, that you not tell my child I’m a liar. I’m teaching her to believe in something much bigger than a make believe character that will one day be nothing to her. I’m teaching her to believe in a Sovereign God, the Maker of all things, and the only One she will ever give thanks to for the many blessings and gifts she receives…the one that doesn’t turn out to be a phony. See, because sometimes our faith can be kind of hard to hold on to, we want her to know that her parents never lied to her and we wouldn’t tell her about something we don’t have one hundred percent faith in.

So, please, leave the parenting up to the parents. And think before you speak.

Thank you,
A Mom Determined to Tell the Truth

I must say, over the past eight years, I’ve softened quiet a bit on my views on Christmas. My husband and I have went from completely ignoring it to attempting to figure out what traditions we want to adopt in our own family during this time of year. We know there is a way to do this that is Christ honoring and we feel rest about Paul’s teachings on Christian freedom. At the same time, much of this holiday makes me angry and confused. I don’t understand how Christians continue to adopt such secular ways of celebration. I pray that there would be a way to reform the holiday…even if it is just one family at a time. I pray that more families would evaluate why they do what they do and see how it is honoring to God. I especially pray this year that people will be spending the Lord’s Day in church because it is a day God has commanded us to observe; Christmas is not; yet, numbers of Christians will remain home and forget the Lord on the one day He has given us to set aside to worship Him.

So, Here is wishing you and yours…a Happy…or a Merry…I don’t know…I think Lily says, “make sure to tell them, ‘Happy Christmas!’”

(Note: I still haven’t brought myself to verbally say, “Merry Christmas” to someone…so that was a little awkward. Give me a break, it's been EIGHT YEARS since I've even considered celebrating the day. It's bound to be awkward!)

My Poor Attempt at BLW

For some reason or another...I found myself intrigued by baby led weaning. It started with my desire to make my own baby food and asking some advice from Kimberly. The more I read about baby led weaning the more I loved the idea and knew this was the way for me.

I navigated the Wholesome Babyfood website and wrote down recipes and ideas about a month prior to when I planned to begin solids. With my other two, I was eager to start solids at 4 months. With the first the eagerness was the fact that every "first" was a momentous occasion I was awaiting. With the second, it was the mere hope that food might make this mad, crazy baby sleep! So, holding off until after 6 months to start my baby on solids was a totally new thing. And so was making my own baby food...that ended up not actually being baby food per se but just table food.. So, yeah! I get to skip making baby food purees! (For that to make sense...read more on BLW.)

As that six month mark passed and the seventh month approached, I decided to adventure out into the world of solids with Anna. And much to my chagrin, BLW and my personality do not mesh well. And Anna refuses to eat solids right now. I attempted on vacation to let her play with a banana. Oh dear...the mess that followed deemed this attempt not appropriate for vacation. I decided to wait until we got home.

At this point, I threw some oats in the blender and cooked them and mashed up some banana for her to try in her high chair. Do you know how hard it is for a perfectionistic, neat freak NOT to use a spoon and to allow the baby to actually make a mess?! This was hard. And she could care less about eating it.



I decided to attempt the spoon with bananas, oatmeal, and avocado. She is not having it. And Anna and I agree...this is what we think about BLW. (Please note...we were coming from the beach. We normally don't travel with our entire house in the van.)

No...you may not date our daughter.

This post was inspired by a recent post at Raising Arrows…because my creative brain is not being inspired on it’s own these days…

When my oldest child is two months from the age of four do I have the right to share my opinion on dating? I say yes, simply because…I have a child, three actually, that will one day cross this road. As everything else in my heart, my view on dating has changed over the years. God has a way of doing that you know. I also feel I can share my opinion because I was in the dating world for close to ten years before getting married and was smothered in the “boyfriend-girlfriend” way of life from a very early age.

The actual idea of courtship is very new to both Nate and me. We are still learning the basic idea and have a better understanding of why the traditional role of dating is not what we want for our children than why so-called courtship is the answer. I pray that we both grow on this issue as our children’s need for our guidance on this issue grows.

That being said, allow me to share with you a story that is rather eye opening from Voddie Baucham’s What He Must Be...if he wants to marry my daughter. I will attempt a paraphrase so as not to be too lengthy.

Jack sits by the fire with all the pieces of his gun cleaning kit lined up. Tonight, cleaning his gun has a dual purpose. One to clean his gun, two to scare the lights out of the sixteen year old about to arrive at his front door. Jack has been waiting for this day since the day he brought her home. He knew the day would arrive when the young men would come. At 6:59 the doorbell rang and Scott was at the front door. After a handshake, Scott enters. Jack sat down, picked up his two-tone Kimber Custom .45 caliber semiautomatic pistol, and proceeded to field-strip and clean the weapon. He asked Scott, “Do you have any idea how much she means to me?” Scott could only manage a nod. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. Do you remember what time I told you to have her back?” “Yes sir, 11:30. Don’t worry, sir. I’ll take good care of her and get her back long before that.”


Jack stood up, walked up stairs, and disappeared. Moments later he reappeared. This was the moment Jack had waited for. He could barely contain himself. Resolved he had done everything he could do to impress upon this young man the importance of taking great care and showing the utmost respect for his baby, Jack turned around, reached into his pocket, and handed the young man keys to his brand-new 6.5 liter, 12 cylinder All Wheel Drive, $354,000 Lamborghini Mucielago. “I want her back without as much as a scratch.”

Now, the point Bauchman is making? No man in his right mind would hand over the keys of this machine to a 16 year old young man? But Bauchman asks, is this car more valuable than a daughter? How many fathers are trusting their daughters with a young man that he would not trust with this same car?

This is where we have decided to prepare our children a little differently than the current culture. Lily and Anna’s father has set to mind to protect his precious treasures and not follow the same path that is typically taken. He supports Bauchman in his belief that “modern dating is no more than glorified divorce.”

We believe the decisions, words, and even thoughts we have now impact our young daughters and son. The different path we are choosing supports our daughters being modest in dress even at an early age. We encourage modesty in action. We have begun to encourage our son to always place women first, even his sister and especially his mother. We discourage the idea of “boyfriends” and “girlfriends.” I reinforce that Lily belongs to her father and he is her protector. We pray for our children’s purity and sometimes even for their spouses. (I’ve got two in particular I’ve been eyeballing but I’ll keep that to myself.)

In the future, we hope to encourage platonic interactions with the opposite sex that builds friendships and not intimate relationships. We pray that by God’s grace we can lead our children on a path that intimacy will not play a role in their lives until they are given over to their future mates.

With God’s grace and will working in our lives, we pray we walk against the grain and give our children and their future spouses the purity that is a rare jewel today. And we pray that, unlike us, the first person they are emotionally and physically given to…will be his and her last.

Daughters of Virtue

I see beautiful, amazing, and godly young women all around me. I see the faithfulness of God in the lives of the daughters of friends who have raised them in the admonition of the Lord. I see modest young women, intelligent young women, and women much more prepared than I too be mothers and wives. I think of one such young lady, and I’m inclined to call her a “girl” because of the girls I’m accustomed to seeing in the world are just that…“girls” unprepared for the world. She is but nineteen or twenty and her beauty is amazing. Her inner beauty radiates from the inside out through her smile. Her eyes sparkle and you are drawn to her…because you know she is different. And as time goes on and you know this young lady you realize why she is different. Her father and mother have instilled her with godly principles and ideas of biblical womanhood. She is modest in her dress and speech, her diligence in work can be seen from afar, and her humility is plain.

I cannot help but think of my own self at that age. I think of the friends that walked with me through life and how if they saw me now, they could very much recognize me physically. But with a little time, they would find me not only changed but almost unrecognizable from the girl they once knew. Some could say it was the nature of life and that marriage and children took their natural course in my life. However, if they stay just a little longer, they will see it is so much more. My thinking has changed and my heart is completely new. I have truly become a new creature in Christ. I have been truly born from above. (John 1:13, 2 Corinthians 5:17)

Had I walked the earth during Jesus’ ministry, the Pharisees would have scolded Him for looking at me, speaking to me, and touching me. I would have sat at His feet and known that I was broken and in need of a Physician. I would have felt unworthy of being in His presence. However, with His great love, He would have touched my face and said, “Go, and sin no more.” (John 8, Psalm 99:5)

I can look back on my spiritual transformation and marvel at the work of God in my life. But then I take a step back and realize something about my own daughters. If we, like the parents above, instill in them a biblical worldview and godly principles, how will they ever know their need for Christ? If there is not a time in their lives where they can’t remember not knowing Christ, how will they keep from becoming like the Pharisees? Lord willing, we will in no way neglect our calling to raise our children in the admonition of the Lord. But, if each of my daughters never walk a road with sinners, how will she know that she sits just as unworthily at Jesus’ feet as I?

DIY Toddler Chore Chart

When you have two children or less, I am not really sure a chore chart is a must for your toddler. I, on the other hand, need want it. I like to be ahead of the game. I never really knew what I was doing until Amy at Raising Arrows pointed it out. I was reading away at her blog one day and said, “Hey, that’s exactly what I do!” It’s about adopting a large family mentality without a large family. I would, however, be abundantly pleased if God decided to bless me with a few more little bundles of joy. But, in the meantime, I like to be organized and on top of the game should any surprises arrive. I have always adored the way large families function. It is truly amazing! They can flow and roll. (I just coined a new saying.) Now, I understand ALL large families are not like this, but most are close. I love the organization of large families. I love the character building that comes with being part of a large family. I love how you have to learn to live with what you have. OK! Enough of why I love large families! We’re talking about a DIY Toddler Chore Chart here. We have a routine in the mornings and evenings and sometimes I can easily get interrupted and forget something or let something important slip away. For example, I have a horrible time remembering to brush the teeth of the little ones in the morning. (I’ve been lucky some days to brush my own!) I knew I wanted Lily to start chores at an early age, so I thought, “What better time to create a chore chart!” As she gets older, more responsibilities will be added and eventually she will graduate to a more mature chore chart.

What you need:

Poster board

Sticky Back Velcro ™

Graphics for your “chores”

List of Chores Printed (Large Font)

Marker

Ruler

Scissors

Step 1: Locate the graphics you would like to illustrate the chore for your toddler. I found mine online and even used some from Microsoft Word Online Clip-Art.

Step 2: Print the graphics. Cut to size (1 x 1) and place on the back of one side of the Velcro.

Step 3: On your poster board, use your ruler to draw straight rows for the number of chores you have to be completed. Create 3 columns: 1. Chore, 2. Not Completed, 3. Finished!

Step 4: Cut the chores you listed and glue them onto each row of the first column.

Step 5: Glue chore graphics to 1 x 1 pieces of poster board. Place one side of the Velcro Sticky Back to the graphic piece.

Step 6: Place the “matching” Velcro tabs in Column 2 and Column 3 across each row. (Be sure that both of these are the same and match up with the chore graphics backing you completed on Step 5).

***Here is the idea. Your toddler begins her day with all of her chores in the “Not Completed” column. As your toddler completes a chore, she gets to move her completed chore to the “Finished” column. I did both a Morning Chore Chart and an Evening Chore Chart. If you do this, it’s a good idea to print your graphics and the list of your chores twice, as some things will repeat.

Our AM chores:

Potty time

Clean room

Breakfast

Clean up (Lily’s job is to help clear and wipe the table)

Brush teeth

Bible Time and Prayer

Clean Room

Our PM chores:

Bath time

Brush teeth

Pick up toys

Bible and prayer time

Warning: Strategic location is important when having a 14 month old child in the home.

Shepherding a Child's Heart

I recently finished reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. (Well, the last chapters were on Training Objectives and Procedures for childhood and teens. I did not read those but skimmed them. I’m in a different area right now and will be for a while.) I first heard of this book when a blogging friend did a review on a parenting seminar completed by Tripp. Some personal friends then recommended the book and I realized I should check it out.

I have to say, although there were several, several things in the book I adore; overall I was left a little unimpressed. (Let me add, I read the original print of 1995, the book was edited and revised in 2005. I verified some things have been taken out and some added.) Since Lily was born God has moved our parenting vision from one of a “well-behaved child” to a vision of godly parenting. Tripp addresses this issue beautifully in the first part of the book. The concept is that what is in the heart is what flows out of the heart. (Proverbs 4:23) In other words, what is in the heart is what determines behavior. He focuses on the sinfulness of our hearts from birth. Biblically speaking, he points out that everyone is essentially “religious.” (Romans 1:18-19) We either worship the one true God, or we worship idols. Our goal as parents should be to teach our children about God’s ways and truth and to pray that God will reveal Himself to them and eventually change their heart towards Him.

Tripp communicated very well that the chief goal is “to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” (He takes this from the Westminster Shorter Catechism…that I know because it’s the only one I have memorized.) When our goals are focused on athletics, social skills, well-behaved children, education, or even “saved” children, we have to examine if these are leading us away from glorifying God. (“Saved children” may raise a few eyebrows but his point is just because God has changed your child’s heart does not mean there is no work to do as a parent.)

My favorite part of the book is probably what Tripp has to say about communication. Communication is expanded from mere rules, correction, and discipline to encouragement, correction, rebuke, instruction, warning, teaching, admonition, showing the “benefits,” and obedience. All of these forms of communication are used at different points depending on the situation.

Now, this is long enough and I want to get to the points I didn’t like. I believe Tripp has a view on discipline that we, Nate and I, agree with. Basically, if the child hasn’t obeyed the first time, discipline is required. More importantly, God is the offended when a child fails to obey, not the parent. (Ephesians 6:1) While speaking during discipline, we have spoke of the offense to God but I believe we sometimes take it more personal and are more upset that the child offended us than that she offended God. We agree with Tripp that the early years are the most important for teaching obedience. We agree that children need to learn they are under authority given by God.

However, under Tripp’s section “Objection to the Rod” in Chapter 11, he goes a little too far for us. He goes over being discreet in physical discipline because some people disagree and you basically run the chance of being called into the authorities. He mentions an incident when one of his children had been in need of “much discipline” and had a doctor’s appointment. The child’s bottom was "black and blue"and they had a “sensible” doctor that knew bruising in the appropriate locality was not a sign of child abuse. As I have mentioned before, I previously worked for Child Protective Services and remain and advocate for abused and neglected children through CASA. Bruising is completely unacceptable due to spanking. There is no reason for a person to hit a child hard enough to bruise them. Now, let me add, Tripp is huge advocate for using controlled discipline. I, however, do not believe that under controlled discipline that you will bruise a child’s bottom. I do not necessarily believe that a bruised child is an abused child; I just find it unacceptable.

Tripp also made a comment that if an 8 month old is in need of discipline then it is due. My experience as a parent is that although an 8 month old is curious and possibly defiant, defiance is not really comprehended. I tend to lean more towards Dr. James Dobson’s view on the matter in The New Strong-Willed Child that a child should not be spanked until the ages of 15-18 months. (Note: I do not have a strong willed child, I read this book before Lily was 3 months old.) Dr. Dobson includes a study completed by the American Academy of Pediatrics in or around 1995 supporting the use of corporal punishment. The article includes information on age appropriate corporal punishment.

So, I would recommend the book to have a better understanding of shepherding your child’s heart through biblical communication, which I think is very important. I would also recommend visiting Kimberly at Raising Olives and read her series on Your Child’s Heart.

Obedience to who? Or is it "whom"?

Obedience weighs heavily on my mind as my eldest child of two goes roaring about in toddlerhood. I have decided to share some of these heavy thoughts with you. They may be sporadic and non-cohesive; bear with me.

Isn’t it funny how God can humble you so quickly by showing you your own self-righteousness? We, my husband and I, can walk about smug about how we got it all together. We’re doing a pretty good job. And then God takes some really godly folks and smacks us right in the face. That is totally what has happened to us. By the world’s standards, we seemed to be going in the right direction with disciplinary issues. We were providing consistency, stability, and routine. That’s what is important, right? After all, we have a pretty mild specimen on our hands that we are working on with this child called Lily. And then we attend a little place on Watauga Street every Sunday. The place where two year olds know the definition of sanctification and infants have been trained at six weeks old to sit up tall and listen to the pastor present his message. I watch as a mother merely holds out one finger on each hand and her two year old and three year old are there in a moment as if they sensed the movement of her hands in the air calling them. And then I see a mirror and catch my own reflection. I have a squirming eleven month old begging to be let down in my arms so he can find something to eat and my other arm is running before my legs to catch my two year old before she decides to hang out spread eagle at the pulpit. Meanwhile, I’ve dropped the diaper bag and my darling husband has forgotten our bibles…again. And did I mention, the father and mother of the sitting up, trained infant and sanctified two year old have an average of four other children?

So, I realize how together we don’t have it. Luckily, these folks have apparently, (or so they say), all been here before. I watch the teenagers as they gleam with respect for elders and each other. I see the priorities in their lives are much different than what’s out there in the world. And I see, God is the major difference. They are not just saying they are Christians; they are living it. And this gets me to obedience.

I want my children to obey. I want my children to stand out because they are godly. But lately I have been questioning my motives. In my spirit, I want my children to obey and respect those in authority over them because it is a sin against God not to obey and respect. But in my wicked heart, I want my children to obey so others can see how set apart they are. I desperately need God to change my heart. And I know He will. Because I know what sets those families apart is that God has the reigns in each and every aspect of their lives. And they’ve been here before…

Reflections on Parenting, Part 3

“My immediate concern has to do with the fact that nearly two generations of children have been raised according to psychobabble. They call themselves things like Generation X. I call them Generation E, for entitlement. They cannot distinguish between what they want and what they truly need, so they consume indiscriminately, everything from food to entertainment. They have little tolerance for frustration or ability to delay gratification, so they lack frugality. What they want, they think they deserve to have. They believe they deserve problem-free marriages, so they will not be married long if at all, assuming the institution even survives the deconstructionist onslaught. They believe obligation is a one-way street that flows in their direction, so they will not be good neighbors, employees, or citizens. My description does not apply to every single child of the entitlement generation, but it applies to too many. More than anything I am concerned that few among today’s young people will sacrifice for any good greater than themselves, and not for long at that. I am concerned that they will grow up and look to government to provide the same entitlements their parents provided, the same free ride. But I am most concerned that few of today’s young people will be willing to take up arms to defend freedom when and wherever it is threatened.” (John Rosemond, Parenting by The Book)

The above is an excerpt of the Afterword. I find what he has said truly sums up our generation. I cannot add or take away from anything he has said. I believe the direction our country and families are headed speak for themselves in support of what Rosemond stated. I cannot tell you how many thirty somethings I know who are not only living at home but also do not have jobs. More and more adult children are depending on their parents. So, what has led to this entitlement mentality?

Does it start with the change in discipline that happened two generations ago? Does it come from the fact that our no is not no and our yes is not yes? Are parents no longer forcing their children to face the consequences of their decisions?

I believe parents have lost leadership in their homes. Rosemond focuses on the word “discipline,” or “to make a disciple of.” Going back to scripture, Christ lead His disciples, just the way we should lead our children. We lead our children with “the rod.” But, we must understand this rod is used for guidance and as a symbol of authority. As parents, we must be confident in our leadership. This is something I struggle with daily. I have been so bombarded with the wrong way to do it; it’s sometimes hard to find the right.

Since coming into adulthood, I have had time to reflect on my own childhood and the way I was disciplined. Coming from a divorced family, I had two paths to follow mostly my entire life. I had a road paved with consequences and consistency. On this road, I was taught responsibility and resourcefulness. The leaders in this home were compelling and commanded my attention. If I fell off course, the consequences were very uncomfortable and created lasting memories. “No” was “NO” and I knew it. Had it not been for this road, I may have related more to the above quote than I already do. On the other road, I lacked respect for authority. It was inconsistent and weak. The leader was not confident in her role. The leader on this road used threats and bribes; rarely obtaining the results she desired. “No” was always “maybe” and I could always push it to a “yes.” This is the road where I learned about my sense of entitlement. The most interesting thing, the strong leadership road NEVER used corporal punishment. The other road always resulted in corporal punishment, even into my teens. The corporal punishment always happened in a rage and always ended in guilt for the leader. Lacking on both roads was God. Due to the most important Being that should have been in my life lacking, it took several years to find a balance in the person I would become as part of Generation E X.

I pray that God changes the hearts of the many parents who do not see the need for proper discipline or see the need but cannot find it. The majority of children I see are on the same road. A road with a parent that is not confident or consistent. The child leads the parent by manipulative and deceitful behavior. I cannot pray enough that God gives us the confidence we need to raise our children in His way.

The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. Proverbs 29:15

Reflections of Parenting, Part 2

When I first began debating the option between staying in the workforce or going home to take care of my family, I found this article that was supposedly in Good Housekeeping in the 50s. (I really think this is a hoax…BUT…) It was called the Good Wife’s Guide and you can see a copy of it here or look it up. Believe it or not, I more or less subscribed to this philosophy. Well, there are few exceptions and it does make me laugh a little. It was against everything I was raised to believe, but it was what I felt was tried and true to help a relationship survive. I had no problem with showing my husband that he was important to me. Fast-forward that two years and here I am, a micromanaging, mother-first kind of person. Well, I’ve been working on that and you’ll see how throughout this post.

Going back to Rosemond. (Remember, Parenting by The Book?) His chapter on Parenting as One Flesh really brought me backs to the day when I said I was going to be the retro-housewife and the June Cleaver of 2007. After explaining how parents’ roles have changed due to what he calls Postmodern Psychological Parenting, Rosemond gets into the mother of the 50s compared to the mother today. The mother of the 50s just like the article said, was a wife first, parent second. Before Dad came home, mother would have tidied up not only the home, but also herself. The goal was to make sure Dad came home to the woman he married, not the housekeeper or his children’s mother. The relationship between husband and wife came first. He refers to creating a boundary around the marriage and the marital bed. With this being done, the parents operate with one mind when it comes to parenting issues. Now, however, parents are more likely to be one flesh with their children. (Leading to the so-called helicopter parenting I spoke of in Part 1.)

And, just a side note, look at how the role of the father has changed on television. Since the Cosby’s, what father have you seen that wasn’t portrayed as bumbling bafoon? With my sarcastic nature, I have realized how others could assume I do not respect my husband. This is something I have had to get in check. I have also made a conscious decision to NEVER allow someone to refer to my husband as my third child. He is not a child. He is the leader of this home.

When Rosemond started referring to “Til Children Do Us Part,” I could totally relate. He explained that a lot of couples become child centered after having babies. They pay more attention to the children than they do each other. Basically, they do all things with their children more than they do with each other. I felt, especially after one pregnancy, getting pregnant when I was still nursing and had a baby on my hip, nine more months of pregnancy, and a very difficult three months of depression after JJ, we were not going to make it. If we weren’t there already, we were definitely on our way to becoming two fleshes. The kids were the reason we were together; but then again, if had not been for the kids, we may not have had the problems we were dealing with. It was especially hard for me with the constant hormonal changes. It took a lot of soul searching and a lot of letting go of the babies to turn to each other again. Thank God we are there and willing to go even further if we have to. (Remember Mommy’s Day Out?)

I breathed a sigh of relief when I reached Rosemond’s explanation of “seasons” of childhood. It was a relief to know we were still in the Season of Service. My job was to be “checking, feeding, carrying, changing, comforting, fixing, fetching, and so on…” And good ol’ Nate was to be there to be my “parenting aide” to get through this season. It would have been comforting to understand that before all the problems! We are heading out of this season with one and still hanging in there with the other. For us, I think the major problem was when we were in the Season of Service with TWO at the same time. We were both emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. I also feel comfort now that Lily is heading out of the season of service; I am beginning to gradually introduce her to the fact that I’m not her servant for life.

It’s going to be hard in this world. The new “good mother” is to serve her child for life. I was just explaining to Nate how judged I would be for trying to instill independence at an early age with so many mothers going above and beyond the call of duty for their older children. I am ready to face whatever to increase the possibilities of having a child who becomes a caring, productive adult with God at the center of his/her life.

For those who don’t know, my thoughts of parenting have always been in line with John Rosemond’s, even before I read anything he wrote. I enjoy reading what he writes because it helps me to understand application a little more and I just love reading about parenting. To each his own, right?

How about you? How many of you feel your vows should have been replaced with “Til children do us part”?

Reflections on Parenting, Part 1

After several months of debating to buy and waiting on BFF to finish her reading, I finally got my hands on my much-coveted Parenting by The Book by John Rosemond. Rosemond uses biblical principals to outline how parents have been lead astray and away from the Bible in child rearing. Rosemond explains the change occurred in and around the 1960s when parents stopped listening to “Grandma” and started listening to folks with letters following their names.

Rosemond hits the nail on the head about the frustrations and anxiety parents raising children today are facing. I love it when he describes how parents are confused about everything. “…when to toilet train, how to deal with tantrums, how and when and even where to put their kids o bed…discipline… feed the children… talk to the children...” He’s exactly right. As a parent, I see in young children, teens, and young adults how something about parenting has gone terribly wrong. We are left confused not knowing where to turn but knowing the current way is not doing so hot. And here we are with the “Tower of Parent-Babble” of parenting books to decipher what the right way is to parent. Rosemond lays out some critical issues in parenting that he always goes back to biblical principles.

Due to the Tower of Parent-Babble, there has arisen this horrific focus on “self-esteem.” Even Christian parents believe in guarding our children to protect their self-esteem. Rosemond does a great job of explaining just how self-esteem is a form of idolatry and is extremely harmful to the child. (He goes on to explain a development of self-respect that comes from humility and serving others.) Self-esteem leads into a loss of manners, manipulative behavior, and a disregard for others.

Before reading the book, I had become familiar with the “esteem” issue from various sermons I had listened to. It really made sense that self-esteem was exactly contrary to what scripture teaches. Jesus told us to deny ourselves and to follow Him. (Matthew 16:4) My previous meditations on self-esteem helped to have a good understanding of where he was coming from in the book. Being raised in the world of self-esteem AND having a psychology degree, it’s very hard as a parent and a Christian to do what is right with the child. Already we find ourselves worrying about Lily’s future since she is so passive. We don’t want her to get ran over or have any anxiety issues. Biblically, our thinking is wrong. Lily needs to be humble and slow to speak. Grandma was right when she said is wasn’t polite to show off and we can get too big for our britches. There is nothing I can’t stand more than a kid (mostly teens and pre-teens) that brags on and on. Well, yes there is, the parent who brags right behind him/her. And here I am, praising her all the way for every little milestone. Please, God, help me to be humble to teach them humility. Pride is such a rampant and natural way.

Anyways, back on track. Parents today don’t want to admit their two and three year olds misbehave because they are inherently sinful. Heck, they don’t want to admit their teenagers are inherently sinful. They want to contribute it to development. Instead of meeting the behavior head on, forcing the right behavior, and then teaching the difference between right and wrong, parents are trying to modify behavior (like with a dog) and/or explain the behavior off as something psychological the child is dealing with. If we tell them they are wrong or they've sinned, it might hurt their self-esteem. Christian parents are forgetting about what the Bible teaches about the fall of man. I guess when you have to face that your child is born to sin, you must admit that you too have the fallen nature. This is a hard thing for many folks to grasp.

Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Psalm 51:5

Rosemond also goes into how the parents are over-involved in their children’s lives. I completely agree. The best examples of parents being overly involved are when the parents are going to school to defend their kids from being corrected or being bullied. This type of behavior is apparently going on into adulthood with parents going to colleges and working things out for their adult children. And then, the helicopter parent gets REALLY involved and calls for job interviews for the child. Rosemond gives an example in the book of employers having problems with hiring younger adults. The younger adults 1.) Have no respect for authority, 2.) Have a sense of entitlement, and 3.) Have parents calling in due to bad job performance ratings. (These three were taken from different excerpts in the book and are my own interpretation.) This is really hard for me to imagine. I was very independent from the time I turned 16, maybe even before. But hey, I see it in some of the teens I’m around. Parents, especially mothers, are enabling their children by being “too” there for them.

You know, when you think about it. This is what we have all around us. People, adults and children alike, who think the world has something to owe them. There is no respect, responsibility, or resourcefulness. What do you think? Do you think the self-esteem error era has something to do with it?

I have a lot I want to say about this book. (I have a lot to say about a lot of things. Thanks God for blogs!) I really want to get into what Rosemond says about the roles in the family and his take on discipline. So, look for Part 2 and Part 3.

Alpha Mom- I AM NOT!

With a little inspiration from Theta Mom, I decided to do a little research on Alpha Moms vs. Beta Moms. From my initial perspective, I feel that I am a Beta Mom with Alpha Mom tendencies. After doing a little research, I find myself extremely slightly offended. Beta Moms are referred to as Slacker Moms? EXCUSE ME! I am no slacker. I am, for lack of a better term, balls to the wall day in day out. I’m a stay at home mom who has enough going on with diaper changes, scheduling, and feeding x 2 to not make a big deal out of placing my children on waiting lists at the most prestigious pre-schools. I prefer to take what’s easy and go with it…because no matter what, it’s not easy.

With my Alpha Mom tendencies, you’ll see me checking out Kindermusik classes, but realizing how silly it really is to spend the money, especially with only one salary coming in. I’m sure they would learn with sign language and musical engagement, but Beta Mom tells me, they’ll learn it eventually anyway. As an Alpha Mom, you’ll find me cutting out and coloring letters, trying to pound the alphabet in my little one’s head. But as a Beta Mom, you’ll find me allowing her to rip it up and let her baby brother chew on it. Alpha Mom was pumped up about gymnastics starting when Lily turned two and became disappointed when she could not focus for forty-five minutes. Beta Mom realized we don’t know what the day will unfurl during the terrible twos.

During my “research,” I found several Beta Mom blogs, along with a few Alpha Mom articles. The most interesting article was from USA Today. I was reading this article on the way to my parent’s home for the weekend while the little ones were sleeping in the car. I found through the article that I believe my own personal battle between Alpha Mom and Beta Mom is that I’m a high achiever but am very anti-superficial…or should I say materialistic. I know that may sound offensive to some who are more on the trendy side… but let me clarify. I would love to be trendy and appear to be pulled together. I actually covet those characteristics, but in my core… it’s just not me. So for me, it turns into materialism and very fake. I actually have a friend that I met through online social networking. This wonderful mother-do-it-all-er is what I would seriously consider an Alpha Mom. I only know her through online connections, but she has everything perfectly put together. Her children are always perfectly coordinated according to the date and holiday. She’s on top of communication with her friends, has time for a small side business or two, and is perfectly pulled together and coordinated herself!!! Gasp! She literally only sleeps like three hours a day. (Yes, H.M., this ones for you!)

So, anyways, I’m still thinking that I’m a Beta Mom, because I’m not the most trendy, I’m not working hard to move to the top of my job, and because I allow my kids to eat chew, and poop mud. They’ve been licked in the mouth by dogs since they were newborns. And I just don’t care. So, in my mind, there is the stamp of approval… Beta Mom Approved. This article I’m speaking of explains that Beta Moms are coming up against the Alpha Moms in a movement to say, “Chill out!”

On this car ride, I’m explaining to my dear Nate, exactly what I am doing. And in all honesty, mocking the aggravation that Alpha Moms must be going through. I mean, really, “Chill out!” So, I read him the description of an Alpha Mom.

Me: “Alphas are educated, can-do types whose organization skills bring corporate mentality to their parenting and a technological agility to their problem-solving.”

He just looks at me… and then says… “You are riding down the road, tethering your laptop to your blackberry and looking at blogs about parenting?”

I’m not sure if that was a question or a statement. So, I go on.

Me (quoting the article again): “Beta Moms have it together sometimes. They may forget to send back permission slips or lose track of their turn for team snacks.”

We look at each other and laugh. I would NEVER forget a permission slip or snacks. Actually, I would have it 1. Scheduled in my blackberry with a reminder, and 2. Do the most creative snack I could think of!

How funny! The more I look, the more I realize, I’m not the cool, chilled-out Beta Mom. I’m the overbearing, stiff-necked Alpha Mom! And the more I think of it, the reason I let my kids eat, chew, and poop mud is for the sensory experience. It’s the same with the dog-licking thing. Everything I allow or don’t allow my kids to do has something to do with how they will learn or experience something from it.

The article goes on to speak about how these high achieving mothers are used to being able to control things, but run into a problem with their kids. I think they sum it up greatly when they say that we can’t control how our kids turn out by what we do, but that “parenting is about finding out who your child is and fostering their growth and development as individuals.”

So, with that said, I’m going to go google how to not be an Alpha Mom…

Spare the Rod

(Addendum: Yes, I’m placing an addendum at the beginning. Nate told me to wait a day to post this. He said it sounded angry. With respect for his opinion, I deleted some things to soften it up a bit. But guess what, I am angry, this isn’t my normal tone for my blog… but sometimes we’re angry and the blog is a great outlet… carry on and ignore the anger. By the way, I don’t see the anger in the post.)

I’m not sure where this is going to go and I don’t know where to start… all I know is…this has been one hellacious trek up the hump to Wednesday and I’m looking forward to the ride down. Be prepared as I may rant. The stress of this week has given me a headache for three days. That headache, does not work well with the stress going on in my head. It is a VICOUS cycle.

My week started Monday with repercussions of participating in Halloween, which is another story for another day. Landing me on Tuesday with parenting issues that make me crazy! And here we are on Wednesday with a bunch of reflecting bungled up in my head.

Parenting has always been a big thing for me, even before I was a parent. I had my own issues growing up with my parents, I worked with parents and children in family services, and I watched my friends and family members struggle along raising their little ones. It is no secret; Nate and I even considered not having kids for a long time. We didn’t want to give up our lives and children these days seemed too out of control.

There are certain behaviors that many kids today are getting away with that we find completely unacceptable. Before we had children, we said our kids would not behave the way others were behaving. We still stand by it today… it is just a little harder right now. I stand with the school of thought that children are born evil. They do not have to be taught to be selfish, deceitful, foolish, or flat out little liars. They’re born this way. This is our nature. This is who we all are in our core. That’s why we need a Savior. I liken the raising of our children to God’s disciplining of His children. We are on the wrong path from the beginning and His loving rod leads us to the right path… and occasionally whacks us when we fall off that path. He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly. Proverbs 13:24

So where is the love parents? What are we doing! We are so messed up in this culture that regards self-esteem instead of esteeming God that as parents we are lost in what is good and Godly for our children. We were raised in this culture of high self-esteem. We’ve been taught that spanking and discipline will harm our children. What God says is conflicting with what Dr. Phil and an entire world of experts says. We are teaching our kids that if all your friends have it then you will too! We’re teaching them to not respect authority by challenging their teachers that Little Johnny would not do that! There are no consequences for behavior. I swear! Through all this preaching, I’ve come to the conclusion that the failing economy and the rate of foreclosures can all be chopped up to BAD PARENTING!

That is so not where I was going with this. I was going to rant about how hard it is to do the right thing for your child’s future instead of what’s easy today. But, it needed to be said, so I’ll leave it there.

I read a lot about parenting because like I said, we feel kind of lost in how we were raised and how God meant for it to be. I’m often shunned for my structured sleep and eating schedules and my desire to provide my children with stability. (I’m a semi-Baby Wiser!) I never get it, because that’s what they need. I want to do what’s best for my kids, not “what didn’t hurt us.” That’s why I suffered through the process of breastfeeding for a year even if it meant no freedom for me. We’re home by 7:00 most nights, because they need their sleep. And now that the time for discipline has begun, I’ll do the same thing…sacrifice and consistency. It’s not about what makes them happy today, but what is best for them in the long run. Permissive parenting is evil, and I pray that God does not allow me to fall into such a way… because it would be so much easier than doing it His way.

It’s hard to sum this up; I could literally go on for days about this stuff. I knew from the beginning parenting would not be easy. Not only would it not be easy, but also it would be the hardest job I ever took on. Another life is in my hands. The decisions I make today affect who she is in eighteen years, oh crap, sixteen…. Time’s running out! Can we prepare her to be the responsible, mature, respectful, humble, God fearing, independent adult we want her to be?

Maybe I should have her hearing checked…

Like what I said? Check out http://www.johnrosemond.com/