A Time of Fasting

I sign in to make an announcement of time away; time away for something very specific. As I sign in, it isn’t long before blog after blog and link after link float onto my screen. I have known for quite sometime now how distracting the instant communication in my life has become. I have pondered shutting it all down for a period of time. And then a fellow blogger gave me the “push” I needed to make that step.

We are a people of busyness and our lives are full of distraction. Have you ever thought about spending your time in prayer and fasting? Fasting has always been fascinating to me. When I was younger, I envisioned myself spending hours in prayer without food or water. Merely a year ago, I envisioned myself alone in a hotel room with nothing but my Bible. I needed a time to clear my head and to see God’s miraculous work in my life. I felt I needed to feel the physical presence of God in my life and I felt my faith needed to increase. After all the time I’ve spent thinking about fasting and prayer, I have never actually had a time of fasting and prayer.

Obviously, being five months with child I cannot endure a physical fasting from food. So, as I think about my life and where my biggest distractions lie, it would be the World Wide Web. From blogs to Facebook to sermons to youtube…two hours has past before I realize. My mind is even distracted when I am away from my computer by the ever-present Blackberry. There is not a moment when I am not “in touch” with all that is going on out there…meaningless or not. As things happen, I wonder in what way should I share this with the world? As if the world really cares what is going on in my life at any particular moment. I believe it can all come back to vanity and pride at times. Sometimes, I have come to wonder if my thoughts are not thoughts but a mere step to the next blog post. I believe sometimes what we put out there stops just short of glorifying God and walks right into lifting up self.

So, today, I lay it all down. I will not sign in or on anywhere out here. My phone notifications are going off and I am unplugging. It may be a week or two and it may be a month. I will spend my time reading, praying, and journaling…with pen and paper. (Gasp!) As oddly as it sounds, this could be hard. I border on OCD and addiction with my phone…oh but to be free from the bondage!

I need 32, 000 soldiers…

Have you ever wondered why you just can’t get it all together? I mean, why are there always more things to check off the to-do list? The house is never clean enough. The lawn always needs mowed. There is that other load of laundry that needs to be washed and for that matter, all the laundry needs to be put away. Nate’s clothes need to be pressed on Fridays. I need to run, too. And more importantly, am I in the Word enough? Have I prayed with the children today? Am I being consistent with the discipleship they need? Oh wait, I was reminded today that my child’s behavior might be a reflection of my behavior. Am I respecting and submitting to my husband the way I should to be an example for them?
I have this vision of the “Perfect Mom.” You know, the one whose home is immaculate with a side of fresh chicken salad and fresh baked bread for company that might pop in. The one who just baked extra food for Sister So-and-So because she is having a rough time with this pregnancy. It is a vision of the mother whose children follow like ducklings at the very sound of her soft, gentle voice. It is the one who knows when her neighbor is in need and is there to provide whatever she can to be a witness for His kingdom. I think it’s the vision of the woman found in Proverbs 31. I’m pretty sure that’s her. Have you seen her, too?
As I have this vision I’m reminded of Gideon and the Midianites. Gideon was prepared and ready for war with his 32, 000 soldiers; but God said, “No.” God said that was too many people. Why? “…lest Israel claim glory for itself against Me, saying, ‘My own hand has saved me.’” God weeded them out, all the way down to 300. That’s a big difference there Gideon.
And that is when the light shines through. I’m just beginning this journey of true biblical womanhood. If God allowed me to be “perfect” without tribulation, affliction, and trials, it would be so easy for the root of pride to neglect God’s grace and to take the credit and glory for what “I” have accomplished. I remember when I was pregnant with Lily and I professed to my family my desire for four children. My mother commented that I would never have four children because I couldn’t handle it. My sinful pride thought, “Well, I’ll show her.” At the time, my desire for four children was more so I could have a big kitchen table. God, however, changed that desire from four children around a kitchen table to a desire to create an army for Him. And you know what else He changed? I realized my mother was right! I can’t handle it by myself. But praise God that through Him and by Him I can! I may not be the “perfect” mom, but by His grace I will fold each sock, dry each dish, kiss each boo-boo, and hug my husband for His glory and His glory alone.

“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Too much like Martha...

Balance is often hard for me. I put my all into activities and ideas. I am by no means the best at what I do, but I work hard to accomplish things in a good manner. This week Martha and Mary have laid heavy on my heart and mind. I was cleaning up some things and saw where Lily had learned the story of Martha and Mary welcoming Jesus into their home. As I asked her again about what she learned in Sunday School, I’m sure my mind was a million miles away. My mind was on the kitchen and the potty room and what J.J. could possibly getting into at the time. As I half-heartedly told her my own version of the story, I literally remember sarcastically mumbling under my breath as I worked, “I could be a little more like Mary and a little less like Martha.”

Even when I just had Lily I struggled with the balance between homemaking and spending time with her. If I was cleaning I felt like I needed to be in the floor with her and if I was in the floor with her I was thinking of what needed to be done and wandering if I should let her alone to become an independent player. When J.J. arrived, the balance became even more out of whack on some days. Either way, the situation and she turned out pretty much fine. She loves to have us there with her, but she can also find ways to entertain herself.

As I have gone through the week though, I’ve realized my inability at times to just let go and be, to stop what I am doing and focus on where I am. I believe sometimes even though I’m there with my children, I can tend to become disconnected and not really be there.

Martha was so concerned with making her Guest comfortable, she neglected to enjoy His presence. As I tarry about this home, I focus on always doing the right thing and keeping up with this image in my head of who I should be. As I do this, I fail to enjoy those in my presence…even when the One of my presence is the One that matters most.

I pray that God can move my heart to be able to find physical, mental, and spiritual rest from the worldly concerns that keep me from having a spirit like Mary’s.

As I dealt with this even today, I was blessed to find spiritual uplifting from Raising Arrows when Amy wrote about The Perfect Mom.