As we count down the days to 24, 23, 22… I find it harder to count the gifts. Not because I don’t see them, because I don’t have the energy to grab my pencil. I don’t have the energy to even pick up the book. So, I coast through this time knowing it is a season and it won’t be long before my blessings and gifts are counted in abundance. It won’t be long before she is here and I wonder what number she will be? And until then…I count slowly…
11. Pitter patter of feet in the early morning hours
12. A stranger praying for Anna Lee
13. Naps…much needed naps
14. Sister and brother making each other laugh…
15. Sister and brother laughter making this tired momma smile
16. Blessings, both needed and wanted, provided when we just wait
17. Dinner guests and great conversation
18. The little girl who exceeds my expectations
19. Free books
20. Knowing that this counting doesn’t have to be rushed and that it’s OK that I’m taking it slow and easy…counting and life.
Since being married, we have become accustomed to situations such as these. At one time, we would turn to friends and family to settle our “quarrels.” We began to see the stress this caused others and decided we should find another outlet to settle our “situations.” Should you visit our home, it would not be surprising to see a dictionary out on the table…or even witness one of these occurrences.
See, as surprising as it may seem, Nate and I have disagreements. Usually these disagreements pertain to some factual information such as the pronunciation of words and often the mere existence of words. This is seventy-five percent of the reason I own a smart phone…to prove myself right. For example, relaxment is not a word. And fun, funny, funnier, and funniest…are not derived words of the same base. We did, however, have to pull over on the road because when he finally realized what he was doing we couldn’t stop laughing.
So, either way, that is a little background to give you a view of how this following incident took place…
While watching AFVs, as we do do nightly, Nate looks at me confused when a lady couldn’t break an egg with her gluteus maximus. (Why she was trying to do this is beyond me.)
He says: “You wouldn’t think it would be hard.”
Me: “Well, you can’t break an egg with the palm of your hand, so it may be hard.”
(And this is my favorite part, that look like I’m the most insane person in the world.)
Nate: “You’re full of it! I know I can break an egg with the palm of my hand.”
Me: “Really. Well, let’s go try. There is scientific proof that you cannot do it.”
After a little wager and a little more "discussion", we made our way to the kitchen. Note the move of the fingers at the end of the video. He did not just defy scientific fact.
Last night after I read stories and put the babies to bed, I recall the frustration I felt leaving their bedroom. I don’t know why I felt frustration. It was just my way of once again being angry that things and people and life don’t fit into my mold of how it all should be…once again my expectations grind against God’s way and His plans.
As I sat on the couch, I recall the intense desire to go back to their rooms and take each of them and hug them just a little longer and give them another kiss. My love for them is so large and I feel at that moment that I haven’t and couldn’t possibly convey it to them enough…maybe, just maybe, another hug and kiss would do it.
I get a second chance this morning and I stop what I’m doing and live in the moment, and hug her when I first see her face. It’s not long before life becomes an emergency again. She peers up at my necklaces and asks to wear one. I see them hanging there and realize the last one she wore is missing and bark orders that if I allow you to wear my necklaces you must bring them back to me.
As I’m helping her dress, I begin to feel the guilt and I say to her…
“I hope one day you forgive me for being the first child. The child I have to learn how to be a good mommy with…” She listens. I continue, “I know one day though, you are going to be a very good mommy. What do you think it takes to be a good mommy, Lily?” And she simply turns around…and points to me.
She doesn’t see me when I fail…she just sees Mommy and love. I continue to believe Satan’s lie that I’m worthless and forget God’s grace and His promises. Will I ever have enough faith to stop trusting in myself and start trusting in Him?
I have been reading Ann’s blog since November…the first post I read was about Christmas…and the second was on Motherhood. It seemed each time I ventured over to visit with her…I was more and more captivated and more and more moved to tears.
I thought about the book often and often put it out of my head. But, Saturday, when Nate brought the mail in I ran to the comfy couch, the couch where I sat alone and poured the entire first chapter in as fast as I could…and I cried and I cried. I wasn’t expecting it until Monday and the two copies I bought were actually back ordered!
After the first chapter, I realized I needed to slow down. I needed to take it all in…but I really wanted to give thanks. I really wanted to begin this journey of being all here. It wasn’t too long ago I was seeking the contentment and joy that may only be found in giving thanks to Him…the One we owe all our thanks to…
I was reluctant to take the plunge…because I always take plunges…I wondered if I couldn’t just take my time with this. But, when I realized all the things around me and how when you lived the moment you were in that it actually does slow time…and it really does bring you joy.
And so…my list begins… eucharisteo…
1. Books that make me cry
2. A little boy that dances and laughs
3. A little girl who loves her Nana in a special way
4. Butterflies for my husband…
5. An amazing body of believers to worship and fellowship with…
6. Perfect chocolate chip cheesecake
7. Walking away from social networking…to be more where I need to be
8. Expected mail arriving unexpectedly early
9. Unborn baby bottom moving in my belly
10. Quotes…
11. More time to realize I don’t need to be in a hurry
“…life change comes when we receive life with thanks and ask for nothing to change.” Ann Voskamp
