Reality

Today is one of those days. One of those days when the kids have been up an hour and I know we need a “do over.” I send Lily to her room to go back to bed for a little while…with these instructions. When you get up this time, we are starting over. We are starting over with a more pleasant attitude towards all of those around us. When in reality, I’m the one that needs to start this day over. I’m the one standing at the kitchen sink trying to just block out the incessant questions and the incessant crying.

Today is one of those days when we are riding down the road and I want to turn the radio up to block it all out. I don’t want to hear so I don’t have to answer any more questions. I don’t want to hear what is going on in the back seat so I don’t have to deal with it.

Today is one of those days that it takes all I have not to cry and to hold myself together. Today is one of those days when it takes all I have to not feel like a complete failure. I feel like a failure because I’m tired of answering the same question for the one hundredth time. I’m tired of putting the Handy Manny gloves on for the one hundredth time. I’m tired of  settling the squabbles over hats and tricycles.

So, I just sit. And for today I let it all go.  I don’t worry about cleaning up the lunch mess so I can put the Handy Manny gloves on his hands for the one hundred and on… second time. I just sit here and try to not be distracted by the toys that are accumulating on the floor so I can answer the same question just one more time.

I have so much to be thankful for each and every day, including today. But on the rare occasion, I have one of those days. Today is one of those days and I know tomorrow there will be more joy.

The Conviction of Love

I had heard this exercise prompt before. You know, replace “Love” with your name in the “love passage” in 1 Corinthians 13. I had never actually done it…I’m still not even sure if it is a proper exercise. But, I went with it. I decided I would take my time and try this out.

Michelle suffers long and is kind; Michelle does not envy; Michelle does not parade herself, is not puffed up; Michelle does not behave rudely, does not seek her own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Can we be honest? Should this “replacement” be legit, I have very little love in me. Of course, there are moments when I am kind and patient. I have a toddler and a preschooler, God has granted me patience most days. However, there are the other days.

But oh dear… puffed up, behaves rudely, is not provoked, thinks no evil?!

When I can’t understand why other people just can’t see scripture, faith, parenting, (fill in the blank), the way I do, I get puffed up and I forget 1 Cor 4:7. (For who makes you differ from another? And what do you have that you did not receive? Now if you indeed did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it?)

When I am frustrated at my husband and I use no words, but angry looks and attitudes I am behaving rudely…and chances are I have allowed myself to be provoked. I have forgotten the fruits of the Spirit…the fruits of joy, gentleness, and self-control.

And by just using the two examples above, we arrive at “thinking” evil. How our thoughts can control us! Am I “bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ?”  (2 Cor 10:5) When I rage in my selfish mind about why my husband, my mother, my sister, or my friend don’t do things the way I want them to…my thoughts tear me down and in turn my actions and words do not lift others up in love.

So, I am brought back to my knees and back to Christ. His grace is the only answer for my selfish desires and motives. I pray for love. I pray that I can love my God with all my heart, all my mind, and all my soul. And in God’s provision of my love for Him, I will speak His love to those around me.

Crazy Love: First Impressions

About a year ago a friend of mine suggested I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan. At the time, I must admit, I was skeptical. I was skeptical because I am always skeptical of best selling, highly popular books and pastors. If you draw large crowds in the form of a mega church, I’m probably not coming…unless of course, you’re Charles Spurgeon. I figured Chan was just another Rick Warren or Joel Olsteen.

Either way, over the course of the year I would listen up as I heard the name Francis Chan just to see what he was all about. In the last few weeks, I started to hear about him stepping down from the pastoral position at his church. Apparently, this happened in October. What interested me most was why he stepped down. Basically, Chan said his life of fame and comfort was not lining up with scripture. He decided to step away and spend time with Christians who were being persecuted and whose lives were the more biblical model of Christianity. So, he went to Asia. I believe the first news article I read mentioned he realized when he heard “Francis Chan” more in his church than he heard the “Holy Spirit,” he knew something was wrong. Anything that calls Christians to be extreme or radical peaks my interests so I bought the book.

I am half way through the book and I must say I am impressed. I don’t believe my doctrinal views line up with his, but I believe it will be very convicting and point out how little we actually obey the commands of Jesus and therefore, how little we actually love Jesus.

Are we willing to lay down everything to follow Him? How many times did Jesus tell us to feed the poor? Didn’t he say when you have a feast to not invite those you know but instead the poor, the blind, the lame, the crippled? Isn’t it true that God really only gets the “leftovers” of what we have to give? We live in crazy comfort and then feel good when we give a little money here or there. And truth be told, we don’t give with love but with pride and judgment.

The questions then are these… are we truly followers of Christ if we refuse to lay down it all and only give God what keeps us in comfort? Are we only carrying the label of Christian while hardly living the life? We can praise God for the grace he provides for His children, but isn’t faith without works dead?

I’m in no way advocating a works based “salvation,” as I believe in grace alone through Christ alone.  However, Christ’s words do resound in my mind and in my heart… “Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come and follow Me.” (Luke 18:22) So far, I believe Chan is right. We’re offering up leftover sacrifices to a God that wants all or nothing.

Examine yourself. (2 Cor 13:5) Chan echoes my own words just a few weeks ago, “‘Do I really believe this?’ Because if we truly believed in His Word wouldn’t our lives look much different?”

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. (Matt 22:37)

I don’t know about you, but I can’t say that I’m even close to obeying this first and greatest commandment…

Sometimes…Plans Change

It was only a week ago that I spout out how I planned on finishing my systematic reading of the Bible by the time Ms. Anna arrives. For the past nine months or so I have been reading through the Old Testament. My original plan was to finish in 6 months…which would have been possible if I had not been reading Chronicles when my morning sickness kicked in! This threw me off my plan and into small daily doses of Psalms. I eventually kicked back in to gear and realized if I doubled my reading assignment for the day I could finish before “maternity leave.” And then…

I reached Isaiah. Prior to Isaiah, I was just “reading” through, covering the material if you will. Besides, other than CHRONICLES, I had read most of it before so I was able to tread covered ground and pick up more this time around. Well, I can’t do that with the prophets. I need to study the prophets. So, I set aside my timeline and my thin Bible that I carry everywhere so I can read anywhere… And I drug out my old, stand by me, teach me all things Bible, and have started on the endeavor with no timeline and with only learning in mind.

Today I will begin chapter 7. The thing that stands out most to me about these first six chapters of Isaiah is the similarity between Israel and the state of America currently. The rebellion is the same and it is hard for me to keep in mind while reading that this is before captivity. That Isaiah is not talking about us.

Your princes are rebellious, And companions of thieves; Everyone loves bribes, and follows after rewards. They do not defend the fatherless, nor does the cause of the widow come before them. Isaiah 1:23

I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them. The people will be oppressed, every one by another every one by his neighbor; the child will be insolent toward the elder, and the base toward the honorable. Isaiah 3:5

For Jerusalem stumbled, and Judah is fallen, Because their tongue and their doings are against the Lord, to provoke the eyes of His glory. The look on their countenance witnesses against them, and they declare their sin as Sodom; they do not hide it. Woe to their soul! For they have brought evil upon themselves. Isaiah 3:8-9

And this is why plans change…I cannot just read the prophets. What was Isaiah saying to them? What was Isaiah saying to us, if anything? Can we as rebellious nation learn from the rebellion of God’s chosen people? My prayer is that God will help me to learn and to know Him better as I finish the Old Testament.

(Note: That Bible I was talking about can be found HERE. If you are looking for an excellent study Bible, this is it. I have the older edition which is red letter. It appears the newest edition is not red letter. I have only seen ONE other Bible like mine in seven years! The pages are very thin but the information in this Bible far surpasses any study Bible I have ever seen. I HIGHLY recommend it! If you have any questions about it just let me know.)

As I Struggle…

Each day I begin a struggle. A struggle to show the grace God has given me to my children. Each day I struggle to be the joyful mother God wants me to be. I find it hard to forget about what needs to be done or how it should be done, and just laugh. Just how do I win their hearts and at the same time teach the importance of accountability and diligence?

I struggle. I struggle with the fear that I am badgering rather than discipling. It is so easy to go a sway when both our children are at the age where we spend more time teaching them what NOT to do than what to do. It seems as if correction overrules praise most days. I know this is just a season. I know that I should not grow weary…for I will reap what I sow.

It really isn’t difficult for me to be a “Yes Mom.” We make lots of memories and I allow for messes…but is it enough? Do I send them the message of joy in all we do?

Ann Voskamp’s memory moves me because it has been and can be me at any moment when I choose to be selfish. She remembers:

“How I turned the last child’s light out that night and slumped down a door frame and how I cried quiet in the dark.

 The mother grief scalds the cheeks —  but what washes away the mother grime?

That night I knew it: I’ve become the parent I knew as a child. The one I looked straight in the face and fierce vowed I’d never be. But my ears ring with the echo of my voice, that voice: Can’t you see what a mess this is? How many times do I have to tell you? What were you thinking?”

I have read this probably close to five times…and each time tears flood to my eyes because each day I struggle…I struggle to remain patient and kind and to use only soft words…words that lift up and show grace.

Each day I pray that I will be a mother they love and they long for when I am not there…but is my heart’s desire seen in my actions? So today, I’ll struggle…I’ll struggle to be present… not only physically, but spiritually and mentally. Because…

“When I am present to the Presence of God meeting us in this moment, I am not worrying, I am not regretting, I am not chaffing, griping, fuming, fretting.

Be all here: and be holy.

Be all here: and be happy.

Because the Presence of I AM always fills the present moment.” ~ Ann Voskamp

Quiver what?

It was not long ago that I shared with you some of the more “interesting” responses we received with the announcement of our third child. At the time, I was entering into the nauseating stages of the first trimester. It was not long into this trimester that Nate and I both began to ponder just how we could possibly do this again. I would be more than dishonest if I said it was not sometimes near impossible to keep up with two toddlers while being, not only sick, but completely exhausted. I just could not possibly think of doing this again.

But, as always, God has a way of changing hearts and I still feel “empty” with the thought of only three little ones. (Nate, however, is not completely on board at the moment.) I am still not positive what my convictions are or if they are actually founded by Scripture. But I know a few things…

I know when I hear someone say they “don’t want anymore,” it makes my heart cringe.


I know that right now, I’m not brave enough to tell God how many children I am going to have. “A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9


I know it doesn’t make sense to call them a blessing and at the same time refuse those blessings. “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.” Psalm 127:3


As a culture, we say we love our children more than anything. Would you like $1 million? Well…YEAH. Would you like a bigger, nicer home? Of course! How about that new car? Yes. How about more kids? NO. THANKS. So, if we love our kids more than our money, our homes, and our cars…then why do we despise the thought of more? Why have children become a burden instead of a blessing? Is it that our children prevent us from having all the other “stuff” that makes us happy…but what does the Bible say? “Jesus said to him, ‘If you want to be perfect, go sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven, and come, follow Me.’ But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.” Matthew 19:21-22

I say this because I believe the number one reason people do not have more children is money. That is a question we get a lot. How are you going to be able to afford them? Just wait until they get older, they get more expensive. Is it possible they get more expensive because you choose to give them worldly things instead of godly things? I’m not saying that there are not expenses to having children; but I am saying the expense of your children depends a lot on the lifestyle you choose to live. If the lifestyle you choose to live prevents you from expanding the kingdom of God, then maybe you need to reflect on how you are glorifying God. So, now I ask myself, will I walk away sorrowful because of my desire for great possessions?

Of those few things I know, I also know this;

I know that regardless of what happens, God is sovereign. If He closes my womb, He is sovereign. If He closes our hearts, He is sovereign. No matter the spiritual battle I am currently having, His will…will be done.

I also know this probably won't be the last time you read about this...

What Resoulutions Made It?

Last year in December, I posted about my aspirations for the upcoming year. So, now is a time to look back and see what exactly did I see through to the end!

1. Simply, start working out at least 5 out of 7 days. Happened until July…see #6. (I was too tired and too sick…now I’m just too lazy.)

2. Drink more water. I did, I really did!

3. Eat less sugar. Well…I did eat clean for a short period of time, which means no sugar.

4. By April 2010, resume training for my second-degree black belt. Did not happen and decided it took too much time away from my family. I nixed this one.

5. Run the CASA 8K on June 12, 2010. I DID it! Remember?

6. Spend at least 6 months out of 2010 not pregnant, nursing, and/or both. Well, it turns out this wasn’t really a good resolution for us. I made it two months. And am VERY happy this resolution did not make it.

7. Spend more time studying scripture. This was a positive. It has taken me almost a year, but I hope to have read through the entire Bible before Anna arrives. I tried for reading it within 6 months but #6 interfered with a few of my resolutions.

8. Find a church family. We have been attending Westminster Presbyterian Church for over a year now! And we are regular members of a church for the first time since we married! Being led there stemmed from this experience.

9. Pray more as a family. We are praying more together…but can’t we always pray more?

10. Spend at least one night a month with my husband without babies. (Not enough, but a start.) This…does not happen. It is more like twice a year.

All in all...it has been a great year. I believe my only resolution for 2011 will be to adapt to new baby Anna Lee.