Reflections on Parenting, Part 3

“My immediate concern has to do with the fact that nearly two generations of children have been raised according to psychobabble. They call themselves things like Generation X. I call them Generation E, for entitlement. They cannot distinguish between what they want and what they truly need, so they consume indiscriminately, everything from food to entertainment. They have little tolerance for frustration or ability to delay gratification, so they lack frugality. What they want, they think they deserve to have. They believe they deserve problem-free marriages, so they will not be married long if at all, assuming the institution even survives the deconstructionist onslaught. They believe obligation is a one-way street that flows in their direction, so they will not be good neighbors, employees, or citizens. My description does not apply to every single child of the entitlement generation, but it applies to too many. More than anything I am concerned that few among today’s young people will sacrifice for any good greater than themselves, and not for long at that. I am concerned that they will grow up and look to government to provide the same entitlements their parents provided, the same free ride. But I am most concerned that few of today’s young people will be willing to take up arms to defend freedom when and wherever it is threatened.” (John Rosemond, Parenting by The Book)

The above is an excerpt of the Afterword. I find what he has said truly sums up our generation. I cannot add or take away from anything he has said. I believe the direction our country and families are headed speak for themselves in support of what Rosemond stated. I cannot tell you how many thirty somethings I know who are not only living at home but also do not have jobs. More and more adult children are depending on their parents. So, what has led to this entitlement mentality?

Does it start with the change in discipline that happened two generations ago? Does it come from the fact that our no is not no and our yes is not yes? Are parents no longer forcing their children to face the consequences of their decisions?

I believe parents have lost leadership in their homes. Rosemond focuses on the word “discipline,” or “to make a disciple of.” Going back to scripture, Christ lead His disciples, just the way we should lead our children. We lead our children with “the rod.” But, we must understand this rod is used for guidance and as a symbol of authority. As parents, we must be confident in our leadership. This is something I struggle with daily. I have been so bombarded with the wrong way to do it; it’s sometimes hard to find the right.

Since coming into adulthood, I have had time to reflect on my own childhood and the way I was disciplined. Coming from a divorced family, I had two paths to follow mostly my entire life. I had a road paved with consequences and consistency. On this road, I was taught responsibility and resourcefulness. The leaders in this home were compelling and commanded my attention. If I fell off course, the consequences were very uncomfortable and created lasting memories. “No” was “NO” and I knew it. Had it not been for this road, I may have related more to the above quote than I already do. On the other road, I lacked respect for authority. It was inconsistent and weak. The leader was not confident in her role. The leader on this road used threats and bribes; rarely obtaining the results she desired. “No” was always “maybe” and I could always push it to a “yes.” This is the road where I learned about my sense of entitlement. The most interesting thing, the strong leadership road NEVER used corporal punishment. The other road always resulted in corporal punishment, even into my teens. The corporal punishment always happened in a rage and always ended in guilt for the leader. Lacking on both roads was God. Due to the most important Being that should have been in my life lacking, it took several years to find a balance in the person I would become as part of Generation E X.

I pray that God changes the hearts of the many parents who do not see the need for proper discipline or see the need but cannot find it. The majority of children I see are on the same road. A road with a parent that is not confident or consistent. The child leads the parent by manipulative and deceitful behavior. I cannot pray enough that God gives us the confidence we need to raise our children in His way.

The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. Proverbs 29:15

Reflections of Parenting, Part 2

When I first began debating the option between staying in the workforce or going home to take care of my family, I found this article that was supposedly in Good Housekeeping in the 50s. (I really think this is a hoax…BUT…) It was called the Good Wife’s Guide and you can see a copy of it here or look it up. Believe it or not, I more or less subscribed to this philosophy. Well, there are few exceptions and it does make me laugh a little. It was against everything I was raised to believe, but it was what I felt was tried and true to help a relationship survive. I had no problem with showing my husband that he was important to me. Fast-forward that two years and here I am, a micromanaging, mother-first kind of person. Well, I’ve been working on that and you’ll see how throughout this post.

Going back to Rosemond. (Remember, Parenting by The Book?) His chapter on Parenting as One Flesh really brought me backs to the day when I said I was going to be the retro-housewife and the June Cleaver of 2007. After explaining how parents’ roles have changed due to what he calls Postmodern Psychological Parenting, Rosemond gets into the mother of the 50s compared to the mother today. The mother of the 50s just like the article said, was a wife first, parent second. Before Dad came home, mother would have tidied up not only the home, but also herself. The goal was to make sure Dad came home to the woman he married, not the housekeeper or his children’s mother. The relationship between husband and wife came first. He refers to creating a boundary around the marriage and the marital bed. With this being done, the parents operate with one mind when it comes to parenting issues. Now, however, parents are more likely to be one flesh with their children. (Leading to the so-called helicopter parenting I spoke of in Part 1.)

And, just a side note, look at how the role of the father has changed on television. Since the Cosby’s, what father have you seen that wasn’t portrayed as bumbling bafoon? With my sarcastic nature, I have realized how others could assume I do not respect my husband. This is something I have had to get in check. I have also made a conscious decision to NEVER allow someone to refer to my husband as my third child. He is not a child. He is the leader of this home.

When Rosemond started referring to “Til Children Do Us Part,” I could totally relate. He explained that a lot of couples become child centered after having babies. They pay more attention to the children than they do each other. Basically, they do all things with their children more than they do with each other. I felt, especially after one pregnancy, getting pregnant when I was still nursing and had a baby on my hip, nine more months of pregnancy, and a very difficult three months of depression after JJ, we were not going to make it. If we weren’t there already, we were definitely on our way to becoming two fleshes. The kids were the reason we were together; but then again, if had not been for the kids, we may not have had the problems we were dealing with. It was especially hard for me with the constant hormonal changes. It took a lot of soul searching and a lot of letting go of the babies to turn to each other again. Thank God we are there and willing to go even further if we have to. (Remember Mommy’s Day Out?)

I breathed a sigh of relief when I reached Rosemond’s explanation of “seasons” of childhood. It was a relief to know we were still in the Season of Service. My job was to be “checking, feeding, carrying, changing, comforting, fixing, fetching, and so on…” And good ol’ Nate was to be there to be my “parenting aide” to get through this season. It would have been comforting to understand that before all the problems! We are heading out of this season with one and still hanging in there with the other. For us, I think the major problem was when we were in the Season of Service with TWO at the same time. We were both emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. I also feel comfort now that Lily is heading out of the season of service; I am beginning to gradually introduce her to the fact that I’m not her servant for life.

It’s going to be hard in this world. The new “good mother” is to serve her child for life. I was just explaining to Nate how judged I would be for trying to instill independence at an early age with so many mothers going above and beyond the call of duty for their older children. I am ready to face whatever to increase the possibilities of having a child who becomes a caring, productive adult with God at the center of his/her life.

For those who don’t know, my thoughts of parenting have always been in line with John Rosemond’s, even before I read anything he wrote. I enjoy reading what he writes because it helps me to understand application a little more and I just love reading about parenting. To each his own, right?

How about you? How many of you feel your vows should have been replaced with “Til children do us part”?

Reflections on Parenting, Part 1

After several months of debating to buy and waiting on BFF to finish her reading, I finally got my hands on my much-coveted Parenting by The Book by John Rosemond. Rosemond uses biblical principals to outline how parents have been lead astray and away from the Bible in child rearing. Rosemond explains the change occurred in and around the 1960s when parents stopped listening to “Grandma” and started listening to folks with letters following their names.

Rosemond hits the nail on the head about the frustrations and anxiety parents raising children today are facing. I love it when he describes how parents are confused about everything. “…when to toilet train, how to deal with tantrums, how and when and even where to put their kids o bed…discipline… feed the children… talk to the children...” He’s exactly right. As a parent, I see in young children, teens, and young adults how something about parenting has gone terribly wrong. We are left confused not knowing where to turn but knowing the current way is not doing so hot. And here we are with the “Tower of Parent-Babble” of parenting books to decipher what the right way is to parent. Rosemond lays out some critical issues in parenting that he always goes back to biblical principles.

Due to the Tower of Parent-Babble, there has arisen this horrific focus on “self-esteem.” Even Christian parents believe in guarding our children to protect their self-esteem. Rosemond does a great job of explaining just how self-esteem is a form of idolatry and is extremely harmful to the child. (He goes on to explain a development of self-respect that comes from humility and serving others.) Self-esteem leads into a loss of manners, manipulative behavior, and a disregard for others.

Before reading the book, I had become familiar with the “esteem” issue from various sermons I had listened to. It really made sense that self-esteem was exactly contrary to what scripture teaches. Jesus told us to deny ourselves and to follow Him. (Matthew 16:4) My previous meditations on self-esteem helped to have a good understanding of where he was coming from in the book. Being raised in the world of self-esteem AND having a psychology degree, it’s very hard as a parent and a Christian to do what is right with the child. Already we find ourselves worrying about Lily’s future since she is so passive. We don’t want her to get ran over or have any anxiety issues. Biblically, our thinking is wrong. Lily needs to be humble and slow to speak. Grandma was right when she said is wasn’t polite to show off and we can get too big for our britches. There is nothing I can’t stand more than a kid (mostly teens and pre-teens) that brags on and on. Well, yes there is, the parent who brags right behind him/her. And here I am, praising her all the way for every little milestone. Please, God, help me to be humble to teach them humility. Pride is such a rampant and natural way.

Anyways, back on track. Parents today don’t want to admit their two and three year olds misbehave because they are inherently sinful. Heck, they don’t want to admit their teenagers are inherently sinful. They want to contribute it to development. Instead of meeting the behavior head on, forcing the right behavior, and then teaching the difference between right and wrong, parents are trying to modify behavior (like with a dog) and/or explain the behavior off as something psychological the child is dealing with. If we tell them they are wrong or they've sinned, it might hurt their self-esteem. Christian parents are forgetting about what the Bible teaches about the fall of man. I guess when you have to face that your child is born to sin, you must admit that you too have the fallen nature. This is a hard thing for many folks to grasp.

Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Psalm 51:5

Rosemond also goes into how the parents are over-involved in their children’s lives. I completely agree. The best examples of parents being overly involved are when the parents are going to school to defend their kids from being corrected or being bullied. This type of behavior is apparently going on into adulthood with parents going to colleges and working things out for their adult children. And then, the helicopter parent gets REALLY involved and calls for job interviews for the child. Rosemond gives an example in the book of employers having problems with hiring younger adults. The younger adults 1.) Have no respect for authority, 2.) Have a sense of entitlement, and 3.) Have parents calling in due to bad job performance ratings. (These three were taken from different excerpts in the book and are my own interpretation.) This is really hard for me to imagine. I was very independent from the time I turned 16, maybe even before. But hey, I see it in some of the teens I’m around. Parents, especially mothers, are enabling their children by being “too” there for them.

You know, when you think about it. This is what we have all around us. People, adults and children alike, who think the world has something to owe them. There is no respect, responsibility, or resourcefulness. What do you think? Do you think the self-esteem error era has something to do with it?

I have a lot I want to say about this book. (I have a lot to say about a lot of things. Thanks God for blogs!) I really want to get into what Rosemond says about the roles in the family and his take on discipline. So, look for Part 2 and Part 3.